Page 20 of How We Loved

Braxton Hicks now seems to be every few minutes. I can’t seem to get an answer on Google if this is right or not.

I’m going to be a mother in about two weeks.

Holy fucking shit.

Okay, it’s okay. I’m getting all my swearing out now.

Fuck. I’m having a panic attack.

Brown paper bag. I need a brown paper bag.

Later.

Meredith came upstairs; she was holding a 1980s Cabbage Patch doll.

“What’s that for?” I asked her.

“I thought we could try swaddling again.”

“Mm.”

“It’s fine, Lilah. Last time was just a one-off.”

Of course, she was referring to when I swaddled the doll and then dropped it straight on the floor. Ben, who was lounging on the sofa, Gibson across his lap, stretched lazily. “Rose and Lily are coming up tomorrow for a crash course.”

“They’re coming here?” I love his sisters. But they are seasoned parenting pros and I’m a hack.

“Sure, they can’t wait to see you. They’ve both got clothes to hand down.”

“That’s nice,” I said, but I was desperately looking around the place.

Meredith glanced at Ben and then back at me. “What’s the matter?”

“They can’t come here; the house is a mess.”

I then launched from the armchair and started a deep clean.

It’s midnight now. It’s okay though; we can have guests tomorrow; the house is clean.

14th November

Rose and Lily arrived. Lily had a toddler trailing a blanket at his feet (I realized with shock since they’ve gone, and everything had calmed down, that this was the baby I met when I first got introduced to Ben’s family. That baby grew fast) and a baby in her arms. Yikes, does she like this pregnant malarkey or something? Rose was carrying a pile of babygrows. “Wow. You’re huger than I thought you were going to be, Lilah,” Rose said, dropping the clothes onto the coffee table. I glared at her.

Lily giggled and then came over and gave me a massive hug. “Ignore her. It’s all hormones, isn’t it?” Ben poured his sister’s coffees and then came over and put his arm around my waist. “It’s okay, Lilah. They’re only kidding.” “I’m not kidding, Ben. She’s huger than I thought,” Rose said again, sipping her coffee and glancing around the flat. “It’s nice though. Cosy. And clean. I guess you’re nesting. Fucking annoying, isn’t it?” Automatically, I covered the bump.

“Where’s the nursery?” Lily asked and then added. “It’s a boy, isn’t it?” “No.” Ben and I both answered. “You wait,” Rose carried on. “When the baby’s here, you won’t give a fuck about hoovering, and anyone who mentions it, you tell them to go fuck themselves.” Oh my god! What was with her? And I thought she was a posh Dorset lady. Then I realized why she was swearing like a sailor docking at Portsmouth. She didn’t have her own kids with her. That must be when you flip the switch. Not going to lie, I breathed a sigh of relief. Holding in all my outbursts of profanities is causing more pain to me than the baby pressing on my bladder.

Ben has been watching me carefully all morning. Rose and Lily have set me a task; I’ve to swaddle a baby. “Okay, Lilah,” Lily handed me the baby. “Here you go.” “Uh, what.” I held it at arm’s length and stared it in the eye. A long dribble of drool stretched from its lip and it slowly morphed into a bright pink, and then it opened its mouth to let out a blood-curdling scream. “Oh my god. What’s wrong with it?” It sounded like a police car had just launched into the front room with its blues and twos whirling.

Rose rolled her eyes and Lily bit her lip. “Nothing’s wrong with her, Lilah. It’s hungry.” “Oh. Feed it then.” Ben and his sisters were looking at me as though I was the crazy one. “Lilah. You feed it,” Ben said. “Me?” “Yes, you. Here.” Lily thrust a bottle at me, and the baby was still screaming blue murder. “Oh my god, feed it, Lilah,” Rose screeched. “What. With this bottle? How the hell do I do that?” “Are you serious, Lilah?” Ben was looking at me as though I was having a funny turn. I really don’t know why he was surprised. He knows I don’t know the first thing about babies.

“Give it here,” Rose snatched the baby off me and shoved the bottle at its mouth. The screaming stopped instantly, and it sucked hungrily. I sat there in shock, shaking. Ben rubbed his hand on the back of my shoulders, but I shrugged him off before I launched from the room and slammed into the bedroom. I’ve been here ever since, staring at a wall. I’m going to be an awful mother. I don’t even know what to do with a bottle. I’ve never changed a nappy, I’ve never burped a baby. I’ve never put one in a car seat or a pram. Oh shit, we still haven’t got a pram. I’m screwed.

Later

I’ve started to pack an emergency bag, folding some of the cute little vests and baby grows, hats muslin squares. I don’t have a single clue how to put the clothes on a. aby or what a muslin square is for, although I have a sneaky feelings it’s for soaking up my neck sweat.

Ben came in and sat in the dark with me, his hand holding mine. “It’s a learning curve for both of us, Lilah. We can do it, I know we can.”