Page 16 of How We Loved

“For the record, I was totally sane before you came along.”

We lapsed into silence for a moment, a good silence though, one all warm and humming with the very best of everything we were.

Then he nodded and said words I truly didn’t want to hear. “Come on, Juanita has scared me now. Let’s go and book another scan.”

“Another one! Are you crazy? We’ve got better things to do.”

He grinned at me with a twinkle in his eye. “We do?”

“Yeah. We need to go to Ikea, and I think we might need to hire a van.”

13th October

The Ikea meatballs gave me chronic burps. Apparently, if you have indigestion during pregnancy, it means your baby is going to have lots of hair. Mine’s going to be coming out with hair to its feet the way it’s going. Oh crap. It’s going to come out like Aunty Julie with her hair like a troll.

Which reminds me, Mum called.

“Darling...” Shit, I thought. When she starts a sentence with Darling, it either means she’s about to say something that will upset me, or she’s about to hand me a stinging put down. Wait… those are the same thing. “Ben’s told me you can’t be alone. Shall I come up now? My bag’s all packed.”

I glared at Ben who was innocently scrolling on his phone. He seemed a bit distracted, though, but not as distracted as I was about my mother possibly coming to stay.

“Mum, we’ve talked about this. Not yet. I’m not going anywhere. Meredith and Tristan are downstairs,” I said this, but I had no plans on calling on Tristan in an emergency. No, thank you. “We will get fed up and argue. I don’t want that. I want your first moments with your first grandchild to be beautiful and calm.” Lies, all lies. What I wanted was my life to be beautiful and calm, but I wasn’t afraid of some barefaced lying if that’s what it took.

“Lilah, Darling. We are family. Families argue.”

Ben was still studiously scrolling on his phone. Bastard. Why wasn’t he helping me?

“Mum. Please. Ben’s booked another scan.” More lies. I’d talked him out of it after we spent the best part of two thousand pounds in Ikea.

“Oh darling, fantastic. Are you going to find out the sex? I really think you should.”

“Um, no?” I shifted uncomfortably. The unknown sex of the baby has been starting to play on my mind. I’m pretty set it’s a boy, who will look just like Ben and play guitar, although preferably not when exiting my vagina, what happens if it’s not and the first emotions I experience about the baby is one of immense disappointment?

“Really, Lilah. You know how you are with surprises.”

She wasn’t wrong. “Ben wants it to be a surprise, and I’m willing to play along.”

Ben glanced up and raised his eyebrow at me. The eyebrow very much said, Liar.

“Well, okay, Darling. But ring me afterwards, will you?”

“Sure.” More lies. “I’ll take a photo of the nursery we are about to build the furniture; it won’t take long.”

“John Lewis, Darling? Did you use that voucher I sent you?”

“Yep, all John Lewis.” Damnit, I was going to hell.

15th October

The furniture is still not built. Apparently, you need a Master’s in Aeronautical Engineering to be able to read the instructions. Tristan came up last night with a pack of beer, so I left them to it. Surely the two of them together could work it out. Yeah, no. The furniture isn’t done. And Ben had a headache that involved lots of face-down groaning and general floppage as he tried to find a place in the flat where he could be comfortable, the light wasn’t too bright, the air wasn’t too cold. Sure, it was a hangover, but it was also very un-Ben. What the hell is going on? I don’t know, maybe he’s had a change of heart and wishes he’d never come back. No. That’s ridiculous and I’m trying very hard to leave as many of my ridiculous thought processes behind as I head towards motherhood. I say head towards; what I mean is sail, sails at full wind. It’s obvious that Ben wants to tell me something, and if it isn’t about the fact he’s changed his mind about having a child with the crazy loon stalker he happened to live in the dorm room next to at uni, (that ship truly has sailed) then I don’t know what it is. He’s being all twitchy and weird. Normally when he can’t make eye contact with me, it means he’s got something awful to say, and it usually involves him leaving to live in a different country. I’m giving him until tonight to tell me, and then I’m going to squish it out of him. And yes, I will sit on him if that’s what it takes. I cleaned the kitchen floor on my hands and knees earlier. I’m not sure I’ve ever even mopped it before, but I can’t even put into words how satisfying it was. Unfortunately, from my position on the floor, I could then see into the oven. That’s next on my list.

16th October

Ben’s finally told me what was on his mind. Thankfully, I didn’t need to sit on him, although he was pretty amused when I crawled towards him on my hands and knees.

The record company are trying to organise a UK tour. They seem to be determined to show him what an opportunity they can provide for him as a solo artist.

“They weren’t supposed to. I turned them down, Lilah. They kept ringing, and they wanted Europe, Paris, Berlin etc, the usual, but will stick to the UK for now,” he said, making his hair stick up on end with his fingers. “The deal they are offering, it’s just too good.”