Page 94 of How We Began

Yep. Some of those things he does.

I sank into my chair. This was supposed to cheer me up, not make me want to drink bleach. “Well, I don’t think he worshipped me. That’s probably overstating it a little.”

“So does he hang around outside classroom doors for all his friends?”

“Um, I don’t know, maybe.”

She smirked. “Does he stare at all his friends obsessively?”

“I wouldn’t say he stares, obsessively.”

“So what’s he doing now then?”

“What?”

“At the bar?”

I looked up to find Ben standing at the bar coolly sipping a pint of beer. What did it mean? Did he come to join in? I did shout the invite to everyone.

For the first time ever, I wasn’t sure I actually if I wanted him there. I hated the way my knees gave a little shake when I saw him, or how my heartbeat started to charge the moment I knew he was near.

What’s the bloody point?

What was the bloody point of any part of it?

Emma, who wasn’t privy to my whirling thoughts, waved him over.

I watched him cross the room with his long strides and knew I was blatantly staring open-mouthed. I caught myself and forced my mouth closed. Emma didn’t even have it covered with crazy-fit.

His raw magnetism is in every move he makes, all calm and commanding. Unhurried and unforced.

I swallowed as he sat down, not next to me, as if he didn’t want to encroach on my space. Within moments he’d caught up with a conversation some guys at one of the small sticky round tables were having. That’s the thing with Ben; he always finds it so easy to get on with everyone. Not like me, who gets all flustered and tongue-tied.

After half an hour, I stood up and grabbed my cigarette packet, announcing that I was going out for air. Ben sat a little straighter as if he was going to get up and come too, and my stomach twisted in knots. I’d have done anything to have five minutes alone with him, just five minutes for me to greedily gobble up and store in my memory bank forever, but before he could, some other guy jumped to his feet and announced he also fancied a smoke.

Begrudgingly I walked to the door knowing Ben was staring the whole way.

Richard… yep, nice and all, but not Ben. Didn’t blow smoke mesmerizingly into the air. The skin didn’t crinkle around his eyes when he smiled, although I searched desperately for it.

I don’t know why I smoke anyway. It was a way to spend time with Ben. God. I’m such a pathetic individual.

I stubbed my cigarette out and made excuses to head back inside.

Ben and I gradually gravitated towards each other, like magnets sliding over a smooth surface. Impossible for it not to happen. By the time another hour had passed we were sitting in deep conversation, knees touching, and hands inching towards each other.

Once again, he eclipsed everyone in the room. There was only him and the blues.

When I went to the bar to get some drinks, Trev gave me a knowing wink.

“Oh bugger off,” I snapped as I grabbed the drinks and headed back over to our growing gathering, but to the only seat that I wanted. The seat next to Ben.

On the way back to the dorm, we walk along in silence, our fingertips just occasionally brushing.

“Goodnight, Lilah,” he said outside my door.

“Goodnight, Ben,” I whispered back.

(11.05 p.m.)