Page 93 of How We Began

This is good because:

I didn’t tell Ben I 'shloved' him.

I proved I’m capable of handling an emotional evening without using him as an emotional crutch.

I didn’t drunkenly beg him to have sex with me.

20th February

I’ve realised today that there are actually other people in our lecture room, and that they are all reasonably nice.

Since the beginning of the course, I have been so absorbed with Ben, trying to eavesdrop on all his conversations and watching every move he makes with my crazy stalker tendencies, that I’ve never really noticed anyone else before. This makes me realise how far in Crazyville I have been, not just a parking space but a full-on house and garden now. There are at least twenty-five other people in that room.

There’re even a couple of cute guys, not to the same standard as Ben, but definitely on the cute side. That just shows the effect he has on me. When we are in a crowded room, he eclipses everyone else to such an extent that I do not even see the others.

I might as well sit in a lecture room by myself for the amount of attention I have been paying to my surroundings.

I’m now making an effort to at least try and speak to other people. Emma, who leant me her bottle of water way back in the first week of term which caused me to burp, seems really nice. She said a few of the class are going out for drinks later if I am interested. I’m not sure, though.

Maybe I should go.

But then maybe I shouldn’t.

I could ask Ben to come?

Noooo!!

I’ve got to stop this.

(5.00 p.m.)

Library = boring.

Maybe I should go for that drink?

(6.00 p.m.)

Should I mention it to Ben and Meredith?

(6.30 p.m.)

Okay, I’m going to go. But I’m going to shout out to the others as I leave so it is an open invitation. That sounds like the best plan.

(10.55 p.m.)

That was fun.

Okay, I’m a wee bit tiddly, but not crazy-Lilah-drunk.

When I walked in, Trev raised his eyebrow at my apparent lack of ‘crew’ but I just gave him a small shake of the head. Emma called me over to a table in the corner, so I grabbed my drink and legged it before he could ask any questions about where Ben was or why he wasn’t with me.

“So what happened to you and Ben then?”

Of course, Emma waited until I’d had a few drinks before asking this question. It seemed there was just no getting away from it.

“Well, you know, we’re really just friends.” I stopped myself from saying, ‘now’ and took a deep sip of beer instead.

“Shame, hello, crazy-fit and he worshipped you.” Emma’s eyes glazed slightly. “And he plays guitar and sings.”