Page 90 of How We Began

Holding hands, fingers tangled loosely, we walked along the Cobb, our steps perfectly in time with one another. We walked in silence listening to the sound of the waves as they crashed on the wall below us. It was all deeply romantic until we made the catastrophic mistake of talking.

Talking about feelings after that amount of beer is NEVER a good idea.

“So what is this?” he asked, pulling our entwined hands up between us and motioning his head to them.

“What do you mean?” I had a bad feeling about his question and decided to play dumb.

“Well, what is this, Lilah?” He said my name in that low way of his and my mouth instantly dried. “Between us, I mean.”

“Um, I thought we were playing it by ear?” I winced as the words left my mouth.

“Really?” He shot me a sharp and evaluating dark gaze. “This is you ‘playing it by ear’?”

“Well, yeah, I thought that is what you wanted.”

“No, Lilah. What I want is you, but you’re not giving me anything to work with.”

“What?” I try not to shout. “Sorry? Nothing to work with? We just spent two hours in bed together, I’d say that was workable.”

I'm pretty sure this wasn’t the conversation Captain Wentworth and Anne Elliot had whilst standing on the Cobb together.

“That’s what I mean. You give me all the physical stuff but you don’t want to give anything more, I don’t get any emotion from you. You don’t want to make me any promises, or give me more of yourself.”

Wow.

I mean, I know I’m not a wear it on your sleeve kind of girl, but I thought he’d get that. I’m an emotional moron of the highest order.

“I don’t know what else to give you. What future can we possibly have when we both know that you’re leaving soon? I honestly don’t know what you want.”

His stare unnerved me, made me feel a little sick. “I just want you to tell me what we really are to each other. I think I feel much more for you, than you do for me. If that’s the case, then I should know so that I can move on.” His voice broke a little on the last word, like he had something stuck in this throat. It must have been the same thing I had stuck in mine.

I wanted to shout at him and tell him he was insane. But the words got tangled as they tried to fight their way out.

“Lilah, I’m beginning to think that we are just glorified fuck buddies.”

“What?” I asked, my question small, hardly voiced. “You think we’re fuck buddies?” I took a step back, and then another.

He held his hand out to grab me, obviously realising his words were low and downright cruel.

I spun away from his touch. “I never wanted to meet you, Ben. I had no intention of ever starting something with anyone. But I met you, and I fell completely in love with you. Except you’re the one who ruined it, the night you let that bitch into your room.”

It’s was a low blow, even in my rage-induced, alcohol-enhanced craziness, I knew it was.

“Oh, we’re back to that again, are we? How many times do I have to tell you that nothing happened? You even told me you believe me. I think you’re just trying to hide your feelings behind a flimsy excuse. What are you hiding from, Lilah?” he said my name softly, stepping towards me, hands sliding along my arms to meet my hands.

“What are you hiding from?” he repeated. “I would be anything for you, and do anything for you, but you just keep me emotionally shut out.”

“Do you think I find any of this easy?”

Maybe he thinks I am a completely emotionless bitch. Maybe I am an emotionless bitch and this is my price to pay.

“No, I didn't say that.” The blues searched into my soul.

“I don’t think that I can live my life like this anymore.” My voice rose, whistling into the February wind. “I can’t carry on living my life to Taylor Swift anymore. I’m twenty-six, not a teenager, but since I met you it’s all I feel, all these crazy emotions that spiral out of control all the bloody time.”

He stared at me, skin kissed with the moonlight. “What do you mean living to Taylor Swift?”

“Don’t you hear it? All the time? Everything we do, there is a teenage angst-ridden song for. Thing is, Ben, we’re not teenagers and we both have big life-changing decisions to make. Well, you’ve made yours, but I still have to make mine.”