Page 84 of How We Began
Since then, I’ve been lying here listening to him breathe in his sleep. I can’t sleep. I’ve too much going on in my head, and I am staring at him a little. Okay, a lot.
I know that the ‘let’s pretend’ stuff has got to stop. It has to, but I just don’t know how. We’re going nowhere apart from around in circles.
It’s time for me to finally realise once and for all that Ben really is going to go and live his dream and I’ve just got to let him go.
And that’s okay.
It’ll be okay.
9th February
I’ve awoken feeling considerably upbeat.
This could be because I don’t have a hangover. Or it could be that last night I managed to sleep in a bed with Ben and not have sex. That’s got to be progress. We were just like two friends. Two friends who happened to sleep in a vice-like hug all night.
I’m leaving him asleep so I can go for my jog. He’ll be gone by the time I get back.
(9.30 a.m.)
No he won’t. He’ll still be asleep. In my bed.
Damn it!
After a moment of hesitation, I climbed back in next to him. His arms curled around me tight, which made me think he wasn’t really asleep in the first place. He was just waiting for me to come back.
Crafty.
(11.00 a.m.)
“Will you give me the day?” he whispered in my ear.
No! Yes! Oh, I don’t know.
“I've got stuff to do, Ben.”
“What sort of stuff?”
“Laundry.”
It was the first thing I could think of and not particularly inspired.
“I’ll help, and then we can go out.”
I lifted an eyebrow. “Laundry?”
His grin could have made the universe implode with the sheer power of it.
Damn it all to hell.
“Just one more day,” I conceded.
My lack of willpower is shocking, even to me. It’s not even made of candyfloss anymore, it’s taken on the substance of wisps of floating cloud. You can just about see it but it is barely there and completely untouchable.
No use whatsoever.
(2.00 p.m.)
It’s the worst bit. The doing of normal stuff together, like laundry or cooking or making tea, or anything that would be normal to anyone else, but to me feels like a ticking time bomb.
