Page 69 of How We Began

Ben sat next to me in Meredith’s seat. He hooked his foot around my ankle so that even whilst we were listening to the lecture and writing notes, we were still touching and connected someway. We sleep together in bed the same way, one foot hooked around another.

(11.55 a.m.)

When we left Howard, Tristan was pacing outside, storming up the moment he saw us. “What the fuck is going on?”

Ben edged in front of me like a shield so Tristan couldn’t get right in my face.

“Tristan, please calm down,” I pleaded, “Let’s not make a scene.”

“Let’s not make a scene? It’s been days, where the hell have you all been?”

A little audience began to grow as he shouted at us.

“Calm down, Trist,” Ben said, using his calm voice, the one he normally uses with me. It doesn’t work so well on my brother.

“Piss off, Ben. Where the hell is Meredith?”

“She’s just sick, Trist. Go home, and I’ll ask her to call you.” Guess it was worth a try.

“Not a chance. I want to see her now. If she’s changed her mind about me, she can tell me to my bloody face.”

My god. He thought she was dumping him. He looked broken by this and my opinion of my brother has now quadrupled. He loves her. Like, really loves her.

Ben looked at me questioningly and I gave him a wild shrug.

What I needed for was for someone else to be the grown up, thank you very much.

“You had better come back with us.” Ben stepped up into the adult role. Neither of us could meet Tristan’s gaze though, I think for the simple fact we might have had the truth all over our faces.

Tristan barged into Meredith’s room while I hesitated, feeling like I’d just thrown her under the bus. She did clearly say she didn’t want to see him, but he loves her, and maybe if she could see that, it would make it easier.

Ben caught my hand and tugged me away.

“I feel shit,” I told him as he opened his bedroom door.

“Yeah, me too. Guess having sex now is in bad taste, right?”

I don’t know he always manages to make things better, but he does.

19th January

I can’t even put into words how proud I am of my brother. How my arse of a dad and tit of a mum managed to create him is completely beyond comprehension.

My twin has finally grown up. I don’t think I can call him ‘Tristan the Arse’ anymore. It just wouldn’t be fair.

He took complete control, didn’t freak out at all, even though I did notice his hand shaking a little when he was making Meredith a cup of tea.

Could I be that brave if it was me? Of course not. I can’t even tell the man that I love that I am in love with him. Pathetic.

Lilah = Pathetic.

Tristan = Not pathetic.

20th January

Meredith is coming back to lectures tomorrow after the doctor appointment that Tristan’s scheduled for her. He signed her up at our local doctor in Putney, giving our flat address as hers so that she didn’t have go to the University doctor. That was a great idea. Why didn't I come up with it?

Jayne knows. Of course she does. She could tell straight away that something was up. Goth Chick, who’s still annoyingly hanging around, has been left out of the loop. She doesn’t crack the nod on the ‘need to know’ list.