Page 33 of How We Began

“It’s what I said to you, after our first date.” My voice caught, hurting on the way out. “You’re you.” I waved my hand. “And I’m, well, I’m just me.”

I sat with a bump on my bed, rubbing at my face, all energy just evaporating and leaving me like a puff of smoke in dense fog. “God, I’ve been such a fool. Such a fool. There I go, doing a Delilah.”

Ben fell to his knees by my bed. “Lilah, please. I promise you on my life that I—” But I shook my head.

“No, Ben.” In that moment I knew what I had to do. I had to stop doing a Delilah, once and for all.

“Please just leave.”

He left without a glance, banging the door again on his way out, and I now can’t breathe. I actually can’t breathe.

It hurts, it hurt so bad.

If this is what love does finally feel like, I don’t think I want it.

It hurts in this dark and senseless way as though it’s gnawing at my bones.

I’ve got to be strong now. For myself.

I’ve got to be strong.

What was I thinking?

Ben will always be one step out of my forever because this logistically doesn’t make any sense at all.

11th November

Remembrance Day

Armistice Day always makes me depressed. Seeing all those soldiers who were once so brave and strong marching past the Cenotaph saluting their fallen comrades always moves me to tears. This morning as I sat on my sofa and watched the parade on telly, it near on transported me to blub fest central.

I’ve come back home.

I can’t stay there with him in the room next to mine. So I’ve broken another one of my uni rules and come back to the flat I share with Tristan. The one that my arsehole dad bought me, and the one that I told him only two days ago I didn’t want because I wanted to be independent and didn’t need his money or his plans for my life anymore.

Yep.

Meredith was here with Tristan when I arrived. Tristan jumped up and grabbed me in a surprising hug. Obviously Ben had been on the phone to them. I gave Tristan a hug back, this was very much a new development in our relationship, and I was a bit frozen with how to handle it, before I pushed past them into my room where I’ve spent the rest of the day, refusing to speak to anyone.

I’m drunk.

Vodka = Good.

It’s numbing everything. Occasionally, I have a moment or two of lucidity when I ask myself, what the hell am I doing? Why am I reacting like a complete nutcase? Sure, Ben acted like a prick and hurt my feelings, but did I really have to run away? Again…

I don’t know. I’ll think about it while I have another drink.

(Later)

I ran out of drink and needed to face the world outside my bedroom door for a refill. I walked out to find Ben standing in the hallway.

Tristan, the traitor, must have let him sneak in whilst I was in my vodka-induced zombie coma. He looked terrible, but I know I looked far worse.

I feel tired, really tired, emotionally stretched, like I’m nothing but a ghost of something I once used to be.

“Ben, don’t bother,” I said before he could get a word in.

“Lilah, let me explain? I know it looked the very worst type of bad, but I promise you nothing happened at all. Becky tried to kiss me, but I told her no, of course I did. I’m in love with you. But then she got a bit crazy and stripped off, it was so awkward and I didn’t know what to do. I was trying to get her to put her clothes back on, at least a T-shirt or something, and she bloody passed out, she was completely bladdered.”