Page 163 of How We Began

I’d just die on the dancefloor and that would be it.

On the last line, his voice broke on the word “You,” and we both pointed at each other.

The moment he finished, he jumped off the stage, weaving through the crowd to grab me.

We stood there hugging and crying until finally he pulled away and said for the very last time ever,

“Let’s go home.”

23rd June

This morning I gave him a kiss on the cheek and left his room. I’ve locked myself in my room and sat in shock for the entire day, I’m wearing a T-shirt I’ve stolen, which still smells of his laundry powder and smoke. Still smells of Ben.

I wish I could write that after we got home last night and had made love the way only two people as desperate as we were could, I told him how much I loved him and begged him to stay.

Except, I didn’t.

This is real life, my real life, and unfortunately you can’t put a happy ending in where it’s not meant to be.

Eventually I’ve learnt the art of letting go.

(11:23 a.m.)

Meredith: Are you okay?

Me: No

Meredith: Can I come in?

I got up and unlocked my door, sitting back down and staring at the wall again. I daren’t look anywhere else. Everything in here is in some way layered in memories of Ben. Of us.

Meredith sat next to me. After an age, I put my head in her lap and she smoothed my hair, like I, only a few short months ago, did for her.

“It’s going to be okay,” she whispered.

“No it’s not,” I replied, “I can’t breathe.”

Taylor Swift is singing “Last Kiss,” and I think she may be right.

24th June

(8.00 a.m.)

It is the last exam. I’m going to leg it out of the dorm when it is time to go. I’ve not seen Ben. And that’s a good thing. I couldn’t say another goodbye. I spent the whole of yesterday evening fighting the urge to knock on his door and be with him one last time. I also sat there desperately wishing that he would knock on my door, but he didn’t. I know Ben. I know him inside out and upside down and I know he only stayed away because that’s what I wanted, what I needed.

Did I need it though? Have I just been scared again?

I wonder if he is struggling to breathe like I am?

When I get back from the exam he will probably be gone, and then so will I.

(The Exam of Truth)

Meredith and I were standing in the queue for the exam room. With my head on wall, I was about to turn and ask Meredith what the hell the exam was about when I noticed Barbie standing next to me, looking at me strangely.

“Where’s Ben?”

Jeez, this girl has no shame.