Page 16 of How We Began

Or… as the little dark and evil voice in my head keeps repeatedly pointing out; it could be nothing. The truth is, I just really don’t know.

Maybe I am having a mid-twenties breakdown and this is all in my head.

I’m going to hide under my duvet today. I will face Ben tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will be the grown-up, mature woman I am supposed to be.

30th September

Or tomorrow I’ll just giggle all day like a teenager. Every time Ben talks to me, I break down into hysterical girly giggles. It’s embarrassing and mortifying and everything in-between.

“Lilah, do you want to work on that source together?”

Giggle, giggle, and giggle.

“Lilah, can I borrow your Athens book?”

Giggle, giggle, and giggle.

“Lilah, do you prefer ketchup or mayonnaise?”

Giggle, giggle, and giggle. (And duh… mayo!)

Okay, I’m not giggling anymore. John just texted me. He wants to see me on Friday to talk…

PART TWO

October

1st October

Two weeks of university.

I feel like I am in a crazy bubble. An alternative reality, completely removed from my existence before. My life could be lived to a Taylor Swift album right now. If the story of me was ever made into a movie that is all there would be: Taylor Swift belting away in the background, a song for every day that I sit here on my bed listening to Ben through the wall. She would croon about all sorts of teenage love and angst.

Ugh! I’m not a teenager, I am nearly twenty-frickin’-six!

Maybe it’s not just my brother who finds mental maturity challenging. I need to stop drinking so much and snogging people, then I wouldn’t be having these issues.

Today I waited for Ben after class. Okay, I didn’t wait for him exactly. I slowed my pace right down so that effectively I’d be walking just in front of him as we left the room. Then I looked up in surprise as if to say, Oh hey! Fancy bumping into you here by the door. Let’s walk across campus together so I can walk in puddles of my own drool.

He knows my moves, though, and he just grinned as he took my folder.

I giggled the whole way to the library and melted into a little puddle of drool.

2nd October

It was a group effort at the library this afternoon.

The study desks in the library are the kind with the built-in shelves, so you feel like you are sitting in a cupboard. I’d maturely gathered all the books I needed and propped them on my shelf, feeling very big, important, and highly intellectual.

I’d chosen a desk, and Ben took the one opposite, so basically we were facing each other, apart from the weird cupboard thing blocking my view.

Or so I thought.

After about a half an hour of playing footsie, and trying not to giggle, I realised that I could see his reflection in the window. The bright October sunshine was streaking through the super-sized window turning the top floor of the library into a greenhouse, and he was staring right back at me in the reflection. And he probably had been the entire time. He winked when he realised that I could finally see him. I went bright red and the temperature of the room cranked up about a million degrees. He chuckled, dropping his dark head down as he pretended to concentrate on his reading, writing the odd note down in a battered notebook.

I spent the next hour just staring, which I’m pretty sure he knew.

When it comes to the final exam and there’s a paper on ‘Ben’ I’d get a First. My parents would be so proud.