Page 157 of How We Began

I owe it to the others to find us a new drinking hole. I may make that my little challenge as soon as Ben has left. It’ll give me something to do.

Twelve days until he leaves; eleven until we say our goodbyes.

I’m starting to think of self-preservation and I’m wondering if I should move back into my own room. I don’t think I can do that. Can I honestly deny myself eleven more blissful days with him?

No, of course I can’t.

Right. I have to study. There’s an exam on Friday and I’ve no idea what it is about. Ben is out doing band stuff (blah, blah) so I shall get lots of fabulous work done.

(2.00 p.m.)

Buggerations! I have just woken up. I might go and attempt a snack.

(2.30 p.m.)

Cheerios, it is.

(2:45 p.m.)

Oooh! Grease is on the telly. I wonder if Meredith wants to watch it with me.

(4.00 p.m.)

Bollocks – No studying just singing instead.

13th June

I woke with a deep dark sense of foreboding in my stomach. I wanted to be sick before I’d even opened my eyes. I lay with my eyes screwed shut, trying to think of what could be making me feel that way—apart from the obvious.

Nothing came to mind.

Nope, nothing.

Still nothing.

Then I had an oh shit! moment. It’s the first exam today!

I sat bolt upright in bed but then instantly, Ben’s arm snaked around my waist.

“You just remembered the exam, didn’t you?” he murmured into his pillow.

“Oh God! I’m going to fail,” I moaned loudly. “I’ve got to be the worst student this university has ever seen.”

He chuckled and pulled me in for a Ben snuggle.

Let’s be honest, no amount of snuggling was going to make the pain of sitting a two-hour exam go away, especially an exam I’ve done no preparation for.

14th June

I can safely say that the first exam didn’t go well. Everyone else sat there writing furiously away, filling reams of paper. I sat there and could think of nothing to write at all. I managed a few sparse answers here and there, but nothing flowing or eloquent, or vaguely intellectual. To make matters even worse, instead of coming back and sensibly studying and trying to catch up, afterwards I ended up at Digby bar (from where I will never be banned, I mad Trev write it on the back of a napkin) drinking wine instead.

I really do need to try harder. Even Ben is trying harder than me, and he is not even coming back next year. If I don’t pass these exams then I won’t be coming back either, then what will I have achieved since starting University?

Absolutely nothing.

I came here to do something for me, to prove to myself that I’m not a flake and that I can see something through to the end. Hell, this is the reason I’m letting Ben go and not following him across the world. Because I have to succeed. So what the hell am I doing?

Now I’m at the library where I’m actually going to do some serious last-minute studying. I’m not leaving until I know the basics of everything that I should have learnt over the last term. That’s a promise. I’ve been scanning indexes and flipping through pages at an almost inhuman speed. There are post-it notes everywhere. All I’ve got to do is focus.