Page 124 of How We Began

Now I’ll have nothing. Nothing at all.

The snot is out of control. For the first time in a very long time I want my mum. Can I though? Really? We haven’t had a good relationship in years, but right now I just want my mum.

Sod it.

“Mum.”

“Lilah! What on earth has happened?”

“Can you come and get me please?” I heaved a wracking sob.

“Forty minutes. Pack a bag.”

Just like that.

Text to Ben.

Me: Hey, hope you're having a good time. Just thought I would let you know my period started, so you don’t have to worry about the whole baby thing. Lilah. X

(12.30 p.m.)

Nothing back.

Nothing at all.

30th March

I love my mum, and I love the fact that she drinks gin from midday.

Yesterday she picked me up in Dad’s Mercedes. I blubbed all over the leather. She didn’t ask me what was wrong or anything, just headed back to the A3 and our family home in Guildford.

“Is Dad going to be home?” I asked eventually.

Silence and I truly do not get on.

“Yes, he knows you are coming,” she said, turning toward me—only half an eye on the traffic. “I think he’s looking forward to seeing you, Delilah.”

“Really? Dad, pleased to see me?”

“We’ve missed you, him especially. He used to see you every day at work and now you never call. Well, not unless you’re shouting about something.”

“I’m sorry.” I slunk down in my seat. All my fight evaporated.

“It’s okay. He just wants the best for you. It is hard for him to see you being a grown-up. He hasn’t handled it well at all.”

Mum might have just made the understatement of the year.

“Oh, Mum, I’ve not been very grown-up at all.”

And then I started to blub all over again.

When we got home, I headed up to my old room and collapsed onto my old four-poster. Mum woke me up an hour later the way only my mum can, with a gin and tonic in hand.

Then I told her everything. I told her all about Ben, and the underwear and the way we tried to stay away from each other but couldn’t. I told her all about my health kick and the weight-loss. I told her about Ben always supporting me and looking after me, even when I’d been horrible. Then I told her about the deal we have for the remaining three months and about the pregnancy scare and the way I feel today… which even though there never was a baby, I really miss it now that it is not there.

I really miss it now that it is not there.

The whole time she sits there watching me from behind her glass.