Page 120 of How We Began

He grabbed me and pushed me gently against the alley wall, pressing into my curves with his body.

“Nothing is enough when I am with you. It’s all moving too fast. I just never know what I want.” His voice vibrated with a low undertone that made my stomach squeeze.

His lips claimed mine, hard, urged with desperation and I clung to him, my eyes stinging at the intensity of it all. I broke away on the point of tears.

“What do you want, Ben?”

“I want you to have my baby in there, right now.”

His hand slid along my stomach, under my top, fingertips dangerously close to dipping below the waistband of my already low jeans. My knees gave a little as my stomach dove down deep. He pushed me back further into the alleyway, lips firm and unrelenting on my mouth, my throat, and along the V-neck of my top as his hands slipping under my jumper, anchoring on my hips to pull me tighter into him.

“Ben,” I pleaded against his mouth.

He moved away a fraction and I gasped a breath.

“You know deep down that it wouldn’t be right.”

“You wouldn’t want a baby with me?” His fingers popped the button on my jeans and then slipped inside, his palm cool against my skin. I gasped as he explored deeper.

“Yes, yes.” My head dropped back as his fingers teased at me. “But not now, you know that.” I gave a little shudder, unable to fight the need to give in to his touch.

With his fingers still dancing against me, he watched my face, watching me come undone. “Tell me you want me to do this to you always.”

I swallowed hard, already tingling, uncaring we were in a Putney alleyway. “Always,” I gushed, my words hitching.

I splintered against his hand, panting and rocking a little as he kissed my moans into his mouth.

“Fuck, I love you, Lilah.”

“And I love you, I promise I do.”

“I hope you’re pregnant.”

I snorted a laugh and buttoned my jeans. “And everyone says I’m the crazy one.”

Leaning down he captured my mouth with a searing kiss until I broke away. “Come on, my love.”

His gaze met mine. “My love?”

We watched one another. “My love.”

20th March

Period watch: Nothing.

Ben leaves in three days.

Does Ben really want to have a baby with me? I can’t get my head around this. Even I’m not sure I want to have a baby with me.

I feel like I’m too young, but then I remember that I am twenty-six and that’s not really that young anymore. Just because I act like a teenager doesn’t mean that I am one.

I wonder what a baby with Ben would be like? Would it have black hair and blue eyes? Or, would it be dumpy and frumpy like me?

21st March

Period Watch: Nothing.

Ben leaves in two days.