Page 55 of When We Are Old

Tears prickled my eyes.

“Hey, what’s up?” Reaching down to where I sat on the bed, he tilted my chin so I met his gaze.

“I’m trying to get my head around the ‘all in' concept.”

“Well, that’s how it works with me.”

My fears picked away inside my head. “I don’t want you to have to compromise your own life because of me.”

Bending at the knee, he lowered so he could crouch by the bed, face to face with me. “I don’t know what you think relationships are like, but this is how it is.”

I bit my lower lip. “Paul. He… he was determined to keep living the life he enjoyed.”

Matthew leant forward, clasping a hand around the back of my neck, safe and secure in his giant grasp. “I don’t work like that.”

I nodded; words still bubbled inside me. “I think I made him like that. Because of you.”

Our gazes met, steady and sure. “And maybe I made Julie neurotic and manipulative. But we live with that and we move on. Ronnie, you have to trust me. Above everything, trust me. I won’t ever let you down.”

“Muuuuuuum! Is it time for my bollocking?”

I smirked at Matthew. “All in? You’ve got no idea.”

Standing straight, he caught my hand and pulled me up. “All in.”

Grey

Matthew

“Coffee.” I kissed the top of Ronnie's head and Hannah made an, “Ooohhhooooo”. Laughing, I plonked a cup of tea in front of her and then quickly slipped a coaster underneath it when I caught Ronnie’s mother glaring at the mug.

I’d survived the early morning brain test, quick fire crossword clues shot across the room while I searched the cupboards for any healthy breakfast that didn’t involve toast.

Someone needed to do a shop. What kitchen didn’t own muesli?

I needed to run; the pressure had started to steam. Things were good here, in the crossword kitchen, but I knew I had to hit the pavement to truly remain in control.

Ronnie grimaced as she sipped at her coffee and I laughed. “Ugh. What is that? It’s not sugar.”

“It’s honey, it’s better for you.”

“Because it’s disgusting?” She met my gaze and grinned, those strawberries I loved so much flooding her skin. I knew what she thought. This was it. This was happening.

It veered into crazy territory.

Maybe I didn’t need to run. Maybe I didn’t need to put miles between my thoughts and my actions.

“Is this because I’ve got plump?” She couldn’t pull off looking offended.

“No. It’s because sugar is a silent killer.”

Hannah peered into her cornflakes and poked about with her spoon, possibly looking for some granules of the white stuff at the bottom of her bowl. “Mum. There’s none in here, either.” I smirked at her. Her tie sat askew under the collar of her shirt. She had make-up on, more than I would have thought allowed, but it wasn’t my place to say. I just shot a grateful prayer to heaven that I had sons. Much easier.

For now.

I hoped they were okay. That Julie was functioning.

The four hundred miles between me and there felt long.