Page 24 of When We Are Old

Everything. She was everything.

I put down my sandwich. “For so long I thought I’d never see her again.” Ryan chuckled, but Mam brought him down with a smack around the back of the head.

“Did you really walk away from her because of Dad reading you the riot act?”

I glanced over to the gate that led back to the high street and the little shop Dad had been so proud of. “He didn’t read me the riot act, Ryan. He just told me I had to do the right thing. He made it clear the right thing was to not let Julie down. We’d been together for three years by that point.”

“Mate, what were you thinking?”

I stared at my half-eaten sandwich. “I don’t know.”

It seemed so silly now: all my fears, all the words I’d left unsaid. I wanted to take each and every one and paint them on a wall for all to see; every truth of my heart.

Lifting my head, I met Ryan’s gaze. “I was trying to be a good man, like Dad was.”

Mam chuckled. “Everyone is great in hindsight, boys. You’ve got to make sure you are great right now.”

Ryan got up from the bench and stretched, showing his toned stomach to the park from under his jumper. “I am already perfect, and I know it.”

Mam and I rolled our eyes.

“Time to go and be perfect at toddler group now.”

I laughed and poked him in the ribs. “You rock that toddler group.”

“Hey, I’m an equal parent. I’m not scared of my masculinity or femininity.” He turned to find Beth digging in a flower bed, turfing soil over her shoulder like a dog digging for a bone. “No! Beth! You’ll get all dirty, you’ll ruin your dress.”

I caught Ma’s gaze and we both pressed our lips together.

“Check you later. Thanks for the bacon sandwich, Mammy.”

Ryan picked up his giant backpack in one hand and then Beth around the middle in the other and strode out of the park. We both watched him go.

“How did you give birth to such an eijit?” I asked.

“How did I give birth to three of them? It’s the question of my life, Matt.”

I stuck my tongue out at her.

“Seriously, Matt, what are you doing with this shop? How are you going to make this thing work with Ronnie?” She softened her voice. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m so pleased you’ve found her, and that you’ve managed to create something amazing, but I’m worried for you. Worried for the boys, worried about Julie and what she might do. London is a long way away.”

I reached across the table and grabbed her hand, noticing for the first time the pale brown spots across her skin.

“Ma, this is a dream. I can’t believe she's mine.”

“How're you going to keep her, Matt? I’ve only met her once, but I’m sensing she has issues.”

“She suffers from social anxiety. I don’t think she’s ever dealt with it, not since we were kids.” I’d pondered this since she left last night. Why hadn’t she got help? I’d found her exactly the same as I’d left her all those years ago… Leaving her… the thought made me feel physically sick.

“Long distance isn’t going to work then is it? Not with you…”

“Mam. There is nothing wrong with me.” I snapped my teeth together.

She held her hands up. “Cool. Whatever you say.”

“Sorry.”

“No need.” She took a sip of her coffee. “What're we going to do with this shop then?”