Page 125 of When We Are Old

“Julie. There is not one single thing wrong with being a greengrocer.” I grinned, the air moving swiftly through my lungs now. “But that’s not what I’m going to be. I’m going to do the one thing I always wanted.”

“Yeah,” she pushed at her lank hair, meeting my gaze. “What’s that?”

“Nineteen years and you still don’t know?”

She watched me expectantly, but I let go of her hand and stood up. “My guess is that you never will, you never saw me as anything other than a commodity you could control and own, and I was a weak fool to let you.” I took one long last glance at my biggest and bitterest mistake. “Bye, Julie. I hope you finally find happiness. Thank you for giving me the chance to start my life again.” I knew that without the car crash I would have carried on, battled with the shop, never let my dad’s ghost lie; but waking up, seeing Ronnie with tears on her cheeks, it woke me up like nothing else ever could.

She waved me away with her hand and I left without a backwards glance. The miserable chapter of my life, half of my existence now, locked in the past behind me.

Ryan started the car as I made my way back over towards him. “You survived.”

I did my seatbelt up. “Let’s go.”

“Dad, are you sure this is a good idea?” Ewan stared down the pathway to the shiny red front door.

“As sure as I’ll ever be.” I crowded the boys into my space, placing my hands firmly on their shoulders. I’d have loved to get down to their level, but you know, fucked up leg. Speed and flexibility weren’t my strong suits right now.

A flicker caught my eye from the house, and I gave a wave as both Hannah and Ma poked their head around the net curtain that would be the very first things I’d change in my new home. Hannah gave me a double thumbs up, her smile wide.

“Right then.” I stared at the door. It was only a matter of a few short steps to the threshold, but my heart pounded with every movement I made.

It seemed almost poetic that we’d end up here in the house I’d always stood outside, back when my dreams were wild and untainted by life and responsibility.

The red bricks spoke to me in a way I’d never felt in Scotland, which helped me to realise that it wasn’t where I was that was most important, but rather who I was with.

“Okay, boys. As we planned.” I marched for the red door, determination pushing my pace faster than I’d managed in a fair while. I rung my finger on the buzzer in the most obtuse way possible.

“Maaaaaaaaam.” Ronnie hollered from inside. “Dooooooooooor.”

My grin took on an epic life of its own.

I rang again.

“Maaaaaaam, I can’t get up that quick.”

Another push of the buzzer and I could hear Ronnie cursing all the way down the stairs. “We are never going to get packed if you both don’t start helping me.”

I could still see Hannah and she rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue. I wagged my head in a silent no.

Finally, the door opened, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Matthew?” She glanced behind me to the boys. “What are you doing here? We're supposed to be coming to you this weekend?”

“Change of plans.”

A frown creased between her brows and she automatically rubbed her belly. I reached for it too; being separate the last few weeks had been hard all round. Under my palm the gentle swell of stomach filled me an almost primeval satisfaction I didn’t know I possessed.

“We are in a mess, I’m afraid. No one is being very helpful!” She shouted this last bit in the direction of the lounge. “Anyone would think Ma wasn’t moving out.”

“Oh, I’m going.” The woman herself materialised. “There won’t be room for me anymore. Probably a good thing too.”

“I know, I know.” Ronnie rolled her eyes at me and I bit down on my bottom lip. “You’re going to a place with a wet room.”

“Maybe the new owners of this place will put a wet room in here too?” I took my key out of my pocket and dangled it in Ronnie’s face. “Shall we see if it fits?”

“Don’t be stupid, Matthew. What are you talking about?”

Reaching across her I slid the brass Yale key into the lock. “Perfect fit.”