Page 124 of When We Are Old

“She’s going to be hopping mad when she finds out she’s packed for nothing.”

I chuckled to myself. “It’s good. We need to throw all her old shit away. It’s time for new beginnings.”

“In her childhood home?” Ryan shot me a cocky grin. I’d been mother-in-lawed on another level. In fact, Ronnie’s mum made the McStandishs look like child’s play. I had her sussed though. She wasn’t really that different to Ronnie in many ways. Neither of them liked change.

“It’s a solid house. I always said that. Room for the boys, Hannah, what comes next.”

What did come next? I stared up at the blue sky, light clouds drifting along. What came next was utterly unexpected, but the lifeline I’d hung onto two months ago in a hospital bed when I thought for a split-second my end had come too soon. Never had I wanted to live so much. The darkness that had always been my foe had melted away as Ronnie offered me something so unexpected, so fucking perfect, that I couldn’t help but fight for it.

The future for us was bright, but to go into it with a clear conscience I needed to put the past to bed first and stop beating myself up about things I couldn’t change, wouldn’t change now even if the power was mine to do so.

“Want me to come in with you?”

“Nope.” I reached for the handle of the car door and pulled it, pushing the door open and clutching my crutch. “Wait here. I won’t be long.”

I’d called ahead so I walked into the hospital and got given my name badge, signing the visitor's book. Then I followed the nurse who adjusted her fast walk to fit in with my wonky gait. It would go, I knew that, so I didn’t let myself get cross or frustrated that I couldn’t move fast enough. Moving at all was a blessing, anything that came after that would be a bonus.

She was sitting in the corner, a splash of what looked like coffee on her grey sweatshirt. “Julie?”

She looked up at me and I barely recognised her. Dark hair—I was guessing roots weren’t an issue in the psych ward where she was spending time—no make-up. She blinked at me. “Matty?”

I sighed and sat down.

“What are you doing here?”

Surprising myself, I reached for her hand and clutched it in mine. “I’m moving the boys to London today. I wanted to come and say goodbye…” I trailed off, knowing that I needed to say the right words to be able to leave all this behind.

She nodded. “How are they?”

I smiled, my heart warming. “Happy, loud, always hungry.”

“I never wanted them you know. I only did, only had them, because I didn’t want you to leave.”

My chest stung, my breath coming in too fast. “I know.” I pulled in a breath. “I was wrong to marry you, Julie. Wrong to pretend that I could love you in the way you needed to be loved.” God, how I knew this. “But you were wrong to want me for all the wrong reasons. I was never a pet you could keep and manage. You made me believe I had no self-worth.”

“You were the prettiest boy. Daddy had to make you mine.”

“You could have killed me, Julie.”

“I wanted to. Better no one had you than her.”

“When did you know that I was in love with Ronnie?”

“The first time I came to see you on campus. I could see the way you looked at her, like she was the universe and you were a planet on her solar system.”

“I’m sorry, Julie.”

She nodded, almost blank.

My throat tightened. “I really am. I should have been stronger.”

Another nod.

“I’m going to make sure that the boys only ever know how to be their strongest version of themselves.”

“Are they going to be a greengrocer too, Matty?”

Ah, there she was. I knew I’d see her one last time.