Page 121 of When We Are Old

In the drawer which Matthew had cleared for me weeks before, sat a small plastic test with two blue lines. All I needed now was to be able to tell Matthew. Which felt like it may never happen.

Jack ran down the stairs first, school shirt untucked. “Here, let me help.” He rolled his eyes—learned from Hannah—but stood still for my ministrations as I smartened him up. Last thing I needed was people talking about me on the school run. I think that had happened enough.

Everyone knew about Matthew and Julie.

It made me proud just how well thought of Matthew was. So many people had offered to help.

“Okay, lunch is on the table. Can you put that and your book bag in your rucksack?” I patted his head before noticing a stray crumb stuck on his chin which I brushed off. “I’m going to get Ewan.”

I paced up the stairs and knocked on his door. “You ready, mate?”

He nodded, lips turned down.

“Hey? What’s up?”

“People at school are talking about Mam.” He dug his toe into the carpet, and I sat down next to him on the bed.

“I’m sure they are.”

“They are saying she tried to kill Dad. Is that right?”

Bloody hell. I kind of wanted Lynn to deal with this.

“No, I don’t think that’s the case at all.”

“But their cars crashed.” He looked up at me, and he looked so much like Matthew for a moment, it caught my breath.

“Yes, but I don’t think your mam was thinking very clearly that’s all. She was angry.”

“About you?”

I shrugged. “Maybe. I really don’t know.” I think honesty is best at all times—apart from when a direct lie is necessary. “Do you blame me?”

He shook his head.

“Are we going to school? I might have a surprise for you afterwards.”

“What is it?” He eyed me with valid suspicion.

“How about you get through the day and then I'll pick you up and tell you.”

“You’ll forget, Mam always forgets everything.”

“Well I have a memory like an elephant, so there's little chance of that happening.”

He laughed.

“Hey, you better not be thinking my bum is as big as an elephant's.” I knocked his shoulder and feigned being wounded when he giggled and nodded. “I’m hurt, Ewan, really hurt.”

I chuckled again and I thanked God for the sound.

The last few days… well… odd didn’t quite cover them. I knew that if it hadn’t been for Hannah and the boys' attachment to her, they probably wouldn’t have stayed with me, but I was grateful for it all the same.

“Right let’s get going. Sooner the day is done, the sooner you get your surprise.”

Please God, let me have a surprise later, because I really didn’t think there’s enough ice-cream in the world to make this week much better.

“Morning, Ronnie.” Sarah was back on the morning shift and she gave me a wave as I walked through the corridor to Matthew’s room. “Still upright?”