Page 124 of If We Were Young

“Sex. What else?”

Oh God.

“And Matthew?”

“I didn’t care. Stupid man. God, it wasn’t like he was even yours. I wasn’t breaking any rules, you guys were just friends.”

“Yes, but you are my friend too. Why would you even do that?”

She groaned and rolled her eyes. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. At the end of the day you and I are still best friends. Always have been.”

“Of course, we are. But that’s a big secret to keep. I can’t believe you had secret conversations with him and never told me. They could have changed everything.”

“He’s a guy, Ronnie. They just let us down eventually. Look at Paul dying. I mean that was mighty inconvenient of him, and here I sat, helping you, being here for you, and all you could do was still talk about Matthew. I mean, still! It’s good this is over. It’s been unhealthy all these years.”

She dragged the conversation on, but I kept rolling her words around. “When did you try it on with him? In the first year before we were all friends?”

“Ugh. Every year. He would just never give in. Hasn’t changed much since he got divorced either. Really, Ronnie. The man is an imbecile.” She was definitely drunk. Her words ran together as quick as sand in the sea. “We need to find you a nice man like Paul again. One who doesn’t need all your time. What about the man with glasses at your office? He seems nice.”

“Stewart? Have you tried it on with him too? Made sure he isn’t interested in you too?”

I reached for my glass but then changed my mind. I needed a clear head. I needed to see through the fog, push for clarity, find that spark of who I was and cling onto it like it was a life raft.

“Ugh no.”

“And Paul? Did you find out if he liked you too before he settled for me? Angela, you seem to forget you are the one who’s moved away. I’m still here. I’ve never changed no matter who else has been in my life. Do you hate me spending time with Hannah too? Are you jealous of her as well?”

“Don’t be stupid, Ronnie, and anyway, she knows I’m much cooler than you.”

“Cooler or not, I’m still her mother; she’s still mine.”

The doorbell rang but I didn’t move. I stared at Angela with my mother’s eyes.

“Mum, it’s for you,” Hannah yelled, and I snapped my glance away from Ange.

“We can talk more in a minute, but, Ange, I need you to sober up. Where is all this stuff coming from?” I paused where she sat and leant down. “Ange, we’ve been best friends for a lifetime.”

Her skin paled, her hands trembling as they clutched her glass.

In the hallway I winced at the cold air rushing in through the open door. Hannah sat back in the kitchen staring at her books, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth.

“Oh.” My greeting exhaled as I stared up into heaven and slate.

Matthew’s cheeks stained with pink, his lips parted.

“I thought you were in Scotland?” My words came out as little puffs of air, tiny wishes that floated into the sky.

My heart thudded at the sight of him. Again. Always and always. Again and again. Him.

“Ronnie…” There was a movement behind him, and Ma bustled down the pathway towards the house.

“Ma? Where have you been?” I dragged my gaze from Matthew to my mother who looked more done up than ever.

“I’ve been flat hunting.”

“What?” I gasped.

“Flat hunting, darling. I don’t need this big house anymore. I’ve seen some lovely retirement places today.”