Page 89 of Tears of Gold

I’m going to be sick right now. I clutch my tummy, trying to hold myself together. “Because I found out the other guy was a friend of Aiden’s.”

“So, they were sharing you?”

“No!” I leap from the sofa. “What are you talking about?” I don’t need this.

Without a backwards glance I turn through the door and enter the cool hallway to the safety of the kitchen.

I slump at the table, my head heavy in my hands. Within the space of my head the past batters me like a sea storming against a pier, threatening to wash it away. I want to look up, I want to see the gold of the sun, but I can’t. I can’t see anything other than ash and shadows. Ink and glass. Paint and hate.

Hate.

For me.

For him.

“Faith?” Eli stands behind me. His fingers rub along my shoulders, down my arms and then back up again. “He’s just doing his job. He needs to know everything otherwise he can’t protect you.”

“And knowing who I fucked in sixth form will help how? Does he need a list of everyone since Aiden, 'cause honestly, Eli, I haven’t been keeping one?”

I want him to hate me. I want him to storm away. It would be so much easier if he did. Then he could despise me as much as I do myself.

“Does the list end with me?” He bends, turning me so I have to face him.

“You know it does.”

“Then that is all I care about. Your past doesn’t scare me, Faith. It never has and it never will.”

“I can’t talk to him. Eli, I just can’t.” My voice pitches, rising shrill and loud.

“Sunshine, please. Calm down.”

“I can’t.” My breath hitches. I want to die. Dying would be easier right now.

“Stay. Don’t run.”

I nod. I haven’t the energy for running and if I did where would I go? Eli is everything for me. There is no place else to go. “I’m not running.”

Relief flickers in the depths of the blues. He’s still waiting for me to go. I place my palm against his cheek. “I’m not running.”

He nods just once. “This is hard, but you need to answer the questions. Reggie won’t be able to make your case in court if he can’t defend your character and back up what you are claiming.”

A wave of exhaustion batters me from all sides. “I can’t stand thinking about it.”

His hands cup my face, his nose brushing mine. “I know.”

“I wish I’d never gone to the police. I wish none of this was happening.”

“Then you’d still be running.” There’s a pause of hesitation I can’t help but notice. “Are you ready to go back in?” Eli sighs and lets go of my face.

“No.” I laugh but it’s watery. “But I guess I should.”

“Okay, let’s do this.”

“Eli. Can you stay here? I won’t be able to talk with you in there.”

His face says it all. His shoulders slump but he nods.

I hurt him with everything I do. I turn back for the kitchen door shooting him a small smile over my shoulder. With a deep breath I try and hold myself straight. This will all be worth it. I have to believe that like never before.