Page 48 of Tears of Gold

There is something there that is part me and part him.

“Faith?”

“We haven’t even been on holiday together! We’ve lived together for a matter of weeks…”

“We’ve been to France.”

“You know what I mean. Remember what we thought of Tabitha and Lewis? How on earth had they managed to do that in such a short space of time?”

“Oh, that’s rubbish. They really had known each other three seconds.”

I smile, I just have to.

“Faith, you are going to be my wife. In my heart you already are.”

“I know.” I sigh and it exhausts me. “A baby?”

He shakes his head. “Us.”

Exhaustion waves over me. My body pulls with heaviness, my limbs aching. I can’t think anymore. “I’m tired.”

“I’ve got to work.” He’s hesitating; he doesn’t want to leave this conversation unfinished. My heart is heavy, neither of us are doing cartwheels around the room at our latest revelation. Is this just another blow meant to challenge us, meant to end us?

“Don’t leave me.” If he walks away now it will kill me. Will leave me to surrender to dark thoughts and secrets I don’t want to face. His face smooths into a smile.

“I won’t leave. Come here.” Slowly he lifts my top and throws it onto the pale cream carpet. Then pushing me back onto the mattress he unbuttons my jeans and slides them down my thighs. His gaze sweeps over my tummy and ink like he’s searching out any sign of what’s within me. Pulling back the duvet, he motions me inside. “I’m assuming you don’t want my grandad pyjamas?”

I chuckle as he fits himself around me. My head is swimming with my thoughts.

I’m pregnant.

I’m pregnant, and again my life is floundering from one crisis to another.

I’m pregnant, and although I’m totally blocked, silently unable to create anything, I’ve still managed to create something. Although it’s nothing that I ever expected.

Twelve

When I wake in the morning, he is gone. During my restless sleep, I woke and found him missing, the space next to me empty, but the next time my tormenting dreams pulled me back around he was there, his arm tight around my waist, his breath on my neck.

I stare at the ceiling. Last night feels like a dream, hazy and distorted. Almost with a will of its own my hand slides down to my tummy. It’s probably even flatter than normal due to my lack of appetite. Is there really something in there?

I can’t lay here all day with my hand on my stomach. I’ve got to get up and do stuff. Something. Anything.

Sitting and pushing my hair out of my face, a piece of paper on Eli’s pillow catches my attention. My heart pitter patters. I have his baby in my tummy.

I grab the paper and unfold it. Inside is his beautiful sweeping handwriting scratched out with a fountain pen.

To my Faith.

Before you my days were grey. Clouds of repression hung close to my heart.

But then you came, filling the days with the gold of the sun and the heat of your love.

Anything we create can only be perfect.

Trust me.

Always.