Page 45 of Tears of Gold
“What?” I watch his face as it drops with surprise. “What?” he says again, and basically, he is repeating the only word I’ve had in my head all day. “Faith?” The blues shine a little. “Why are you crying?”
“Because, b-because I think I might be pregnant.”
“Sunshine, that isn’t supposed to make you cry.” His expression of worry lifts into a slow smile.
“B-but.”
“Have you done the test?” How can he be so damn calm? Why isn’t he freaking out, panicking, maybe even crying like me?
“N-no, I waited for you.”
“Sunshine, stop crying. Bloody hell, Faith, I thought something awful had happened. I thought the police had dropped the case against Aiden.”
Why is his first thought always about Aiden and the case?
“Something awful has happened,” I snap. “We forgot to use condoms.” I wipe at my tears, my inbuilt fight and flight flickering to life. If I could, I would make it to the bathroom, so he’d stop looking at me like that, stop confusing me with that expression of relief on his face. It’s about fifteen paces away. I get ready to launch off the bed, but his hands find their way to my shoulders and press firmly down.
“No. Stay.”
I shake my head. “Why is everything so easy for you? Everything that comes your way, you just face it and deal like it’s nothing.”
He shakes his head, his eyes holding mine, fierce and determined. “That’s not true.”
“Eli, I could be pregnant. I’ve never even wanted a child; how could I be a mother after everything I’ve been through? I don’t even know how to be one, because I’ve never even had one myself. I wouldn’t know what to do or what to say. I’m not that kind of person.” My words gush out, running into one another.
“What?” He looks at me in surprise. “You don’t think you know how to be a mother? The woman who loves and helps every single person that she meets, who fights for everything and gives up at nothing.”
“Never gives up?” My voice rises. “I run away.”
“Not always.” Reaching forward, he plants a kiss on my cheek, his hands smoothing my hair. “What’s really worrying you?”
“What do you mean?” My eyes sting as I focus on him.
“That’s not everything. I know when you are not telling me everything. What’s really wrong?”
Fuck. Why can he always read me? I hate it. It’s not fair.
“I’m not ready.”
“And?” His eyes don’t leave my face.
“How can I have a baby? I saw what Abi went through, and that was with Adam.”
“And?”
“We’ve known each other three minutes, Eli. Three damn minutes.”
“So? We are getting married; we are committed to each other.”
“But what if this isn’t meant to be?” The words slip out my mouth before I can stop them.
“Is that what you think?” I watch as his eyes harden.
“No. I don’t know. This is all such a surprise. And your family… I don’t know if I can fight them for me and for someone who needs my protection.”
He waits. Waits for me to go there.
“I don’t even know if I can protect myself.”
