Page 131 of Tears of Gold

“I’m thinking, I can’t believe that arse is mine.”

Jeremy chuckles but he seems distracted.

“You okay?” I lean in closer, all joking dropped.

“Sometimes I can’t believe he’s not here. It’s ironic that for years we lived out lives in secret, yet here I now am with you all.”

“It’s wrong what happened to you guys.” I link my arm through his and squeeze tight.

“You’ve changed everything, Faith. It’s you. I just hope you see that.”

His words make me still. Within my chest my heart thumps with a pounding beat. Once upon a time I didn’t think I would even be able to change things for myself. I cast my gaze around the reception room of my home, all the girls dressed up and giggling, a fair few of them seem to be ogling my soon-to-be husband.

Now I could be changing things for them, too.

Turning back to Jeremy, I lean in and pull him tight into my arms. Another hug. “He’ll always be with us, with you, and his memory will still thrive in everything we have.”

Jennifer comes over and interrupts us, although it’s probably a good thing because this conversation Jeremy and I have going can only end in tears. “Faith, are you ready for your speech? And then The Telegraph want to interview you for their weekend supplement.”

“Really?”

She smiles and nods, her eyes blazing just like Elijah’s. “Really. Now, come on, where are your notes for your welcome speech?”

“I didn’t make any.”

Her face is a picture. “Off you go then.”

“Come with me. This is ours.”

“No. It’s yours.”

I let her push me forward and with a deep breath stretching my lungs like old elastic, I make my way to the centre of the room. I specifically wanted this to be low key and informal; it’s my entire vision for our charity. It’s a place for girls to go to chill, not endless paperwork and rules. Rules are a thing of the past. The only rule we need now is respect.

I clink a glass, taken aback when the room hushes far quicker than I am expecting, all eyes turned on me.

Abi and Saskia give me a thumbs up. I might puke. Why didn’t I write notes? Relaxed and unplanned was a stupid idea.

“Hi.” I chuckle nervously, my eyes scanning for Elijah. He’s propped against the far wall, giving the space he thinks I need to make this my own. I don’t want space. I want him to hold my hand to stop it shaking.

Breathe.

“A hug is a funny thing, isn’t it?” I look over at all the girls who are mainly staring at my ink. “It’s something you give in passing. A simple act of wrapping your arms around another person and squeezing tight, showing with the flex of your muscles the love you feel on the inside.” I stop and lick my lips. Is it hot in here or is it me?

Inside my tummy there’s a gentle flutter, the baby rolling, enjoying being rocked as I stand.

“Sometimes a hug doesn’t feel right. It lasts for a moment too long. It precedes an awkward conversation which your gut already told you was coming because the hug didn’t feel right.

“Sometimes the hug doesn’t come at all no matter how hard you long for it or wait for it.” I stutter a little here, my heart thrumming like a caged bird. My eyes meet Eli’s.

“Sometimes the perfect hug arrives, and you want to catch it and hold it tight so you can feel it forever. Regardless the idea behind H.U.G. is that young women from the age of fourteen have somewhere to go. A place where adults aren’t there to tell you what to do, but rather to encourage you to explore yourself: through art, through music, anything. Make-up. Ink… Although over-eighteens only please for that one.” There’s a murmur of a laugh and I allow my body to relax its tight hold.

“It’s a place for us all to be ourselves. Speak when we are worried, laugh when we are happy, grieve when we are sad. It’s a place for us to whisper our worries with no fear of how it might be received.”

I swallow hard. Alarming tears prickle my eyes.

“My life has been shaped and cursed by a hug that lasted too long, that led me to dark fears and even darker regret. Let’s take this moment to make a promise to stop that from happening. Help Under Guidance will do just that: give help to those who need it, guide those who are lost, and prevent lifetimes of regret for those who don’t need to live their lives in fear.”

Everyone is still and watching.