Page 115 of Tears of Gold

“But it did.”

“Because of me.” A tear rolls down my cheek. Then another.

Francine gets up from her chair and comes next to me, her hand pressing lightly onto the top of my head. “Faith. Not because of you. Don’t fear what others will think, only be scared of what you believe.”

“But my father didn’t believe me.”

“Didn’t he? Or did he not want to admit his own faults? That he left you vulnerable. That for some reason you grew up without a mother. That he left you exposed and at the hands of a monster. Is he not hiding from what he thinks he did, the way you are hiding from what you think you did?”

“I told him no. I remember it clearly. The first time he was inside me, I told him no.”

“I believe you. Now you need to believe you, too.”

Five hours later I stand outside a black shiny door. It opens and I hold in my sob as he leans against the doorframe, hair messed up, dark shadows under his eyes. Those blues, so deep and searching, sweep over me.

“I’m not staying, and I’m not asking to come in.” I cough and clear my throat. “I went to get help today and I know I need more. Elijah,” I trip over his name, but persevere. “I want to tell you everything, but I have to understand it for myself first. I haven’t only been keeping secrets from you, I’ve been keeping them from myself, too.”

He nods and his Adam's apple bobs up and down.

Stepping back, my heart beating so wild in my chest I can barely control it, I edge away from the door I so desperately want to walk through. “I hope you’ll be ready to listen when I get there.”

There’s a long pause, filled with a million whispered promises neither of us have been able to keep until this point. “I will.”

I smile and step away, walking back down the narrow Mews with my head held high. When I’m back out on the main street I lean against a wall and catch my breath. My legs shake and knock together.

When I’ve calmed down, I pull my phone out of my bag and call Angela. She answers, her tone hesitant.

“Angela, can we talk?” I ask.

“Why did I know this was coming? I knew as soon as I saw that newspaper article the other day.”

“It’s not what you think.”

“Wine?”

I chuckle nervously. “I can’t have wine, but you can.”

There’s a pause. “Oh my god, are you pregnant?”

“Yep, nearly thirteen weeks.”

“Bloody hell, in the time I’ve known you you’ve been dumped, engaged, and now pregnant.”

When you put it like that it seems crazy. “I don’t do things by half apparently.”

“No, you don’t. It’s why I think you are the most awesome person I’ve met.”

“Yeah, right. Now, are we meeting? I want to talk to you about the show.”

“Please tell me you aren’t pulling out?”

“You want me to stay?” I can’t hide the surprise in my tone. “Even though right now me and the Faircloughs are definitely not together?”

“Of course I want you, and the Tate wants you.”

“Friday?”

“Friday. Let’s meet at the wine bar, and I shall drink all the wine.”