Page 78 of Blue Gold

Tangling his fingers with mine, I kept him close.

“Is that an invitation?”

Elliot stayed quiet for a second, as if to consider his next words.

“It is.”

25

ELLIOT

The parties in my town were never fancy, just a bunch of bored teens, fresh out of high school, gathering at night to celebrate life. Tonight was no different, and all but excited, I ran through the harvested wheat fields to get there faster. The whole time, I replayed the last party Jacques and I went to. We snuck out of it pretty early on and went swimming in the river. Afterward, we made love under the starry night and didn’t return home until sunrise. Hoping tonight would be just as perfect, I forced my legs to move faster until it felt like I was flying.

I arrived at the party sweaty and out of breath, not that I cared, and immediately started looking around. Lights were hung on trees, and nice music played in the background. There were more people than usual, probably because it was August, and some of us had friends and relatives coming for vacation. I definitely saw a few unfamiliar faces while looking through the crowd. But not caring about making new friends, I continued to search for Jacques. It took a bit of time, but eventually, I found him.

He was dancing in the middle of the dance floor with some girl from our school. She had her back to him while he had his hands on her hips, keeping her close like a couple would do. For a few moments, I thought that perhaps this was nothing more than a dance, but then she turned around and wrapped her hands around Jacques’s broad shoulders, the same way I had only last night. They smiled at each other, as we often did after sharing a moment of intimacy, and then they kissed. They hardly knew each other, and yet, there they were, kissing, right in front of everyone.

That we didn’t do.

I’d known him for years. Loved him for most of them and kissed him more times than I could count. Beyond that. Jacques had told me he loved me countless times, and yet, he never kissed me in front of anyone else. Not like he’d just kissed this girl, with one hand on her hip and another in her hair. My heart shattered into a million pieces, yet no one but me knew my pain. And despite my stomach coiling at the sight of them making out like two lovers, I couldn’t take my eyes off them. What would I give to be in her shoes right now? Probably too much. And when Jacques lifted his gaze and our eyes met, I realized I could never be her. Not because Jacques didn’t love me, but because I lacked the right parts for him to be comfortable with it.

Humiliated, I turned around and began walking away. And when I was far enough to start running, I did. I knew Jacques was following me—I could hear him calling my name—but it wasn’t until about a kilometer and a half later that he caught me.

“Shit, mon chaton, why did you take off like that?” he asked while trying to catch his breath. “It was just a kiss, okay?”

“Just a kiss?” I frowned at his words, my throat burning both from the run and the tears I tried forcing down.

“Yes. Just a kiss.”

I narrowed my eyes, my brows furrowing with disbelief. “What about me?”

“What do you mean?” he asked, still panting.

My bottom lip quivered. “H-how could you kiss someone while you’re with me?”

“I mean… We never said we can’t be with other people.”

The words came out of his mouth with such ease, as if all the time we spent together carried no weight. But it did. Every word, touch, kiss, hug. They all had an immense weight that at that moment was more than I could bear.

“You said you loved me!” I shouted when he quickly reached to grab my shoulders.

“Would you keep your fucking voice down?”

Looking to our left and right, there was not a living soul around us, just the moon and the sky.

“So now even the stars can’t know about it?” My lips trembled as tears clogged my throat. “Are you that ashamed of me?”

He tsked, cocking his head aside, his jaw tightening while he did.

“It has nothing to do with you. Okay? I just kissed a damn girl. Why don’t you try it yourself?”

“Because I’m gay!” I yelled, taking a step forward. “And you are, too⁠—”

My words were cut off when he punched me, so hard that I crashed to the ground. Covering the side of my face where he hit me, I shivered. Tears began flowing down my cheeks while he tried to help me back to my feet.

“I’m sorry about that.” He dusted the dirt off my clothes. “I didn’t mean to do it, but you kept on talking… Fuck, Elliot.” He let out another one of those deep sighs before pulling me into his arms. “Let’s not fight, okay?” He spoke with his head leaning against mine. “Especially not over silly things like this because nothing needs to change. We can still meet whenever you want.”

Whenever I want? Wasn’t he the one to sneak into my room at night? Wasn’t he the one leaving me letters to meet up in the old attic? Wasn’t he the one who pushed me to have sex in the first place and always wanted to stay with me just a bit longer?