Page 191 of Forgotten Prejudice

His breath shivered before he held back a grunt and bit his lip. He was crying, but so was I. Things would never be the same again, and it hurt. It hurt because long before we were lovers, we were friends, and I couldn’t fool myself into believing he’d stay in my life after this was over.

“W-What will I do without you?” he hissed, voice breaking.

“Amazing things because you’re an amazing man. But first—” I grabbed his hand and clenched it tight. “—you need to get sober.”

He shook his head. “I don’t think I can, Ashy. All I want is to drink and get fucked-up.” He sobbed. “And I can’t get through it again.”

I knew rehab wasn’t easy, but he had the power, even if he didn’t believe so himself.

“But you must.” I pulled him closer. “And you can. Think about Paris. He’s no longer a child but a young teen who’s aware of what’s happening around him. It’s your job to be there for him, Kai.”

His face twisted with pain. “You said it yourself that I’m not good at being a father.”

“Who am I to decide that?” I snorted, yet my voice lacked amusement. “I don’t have kids.”

“But you will now. Right?” He cleared his nose. “With him. I heard him promise that to you on the beach. He said he’ll do anything for you.”

I had no clue what he was talking about because Soren had yet to visit me. And even though it was a surprise, now wasn’t the time to dive into whether Soren meant it or not.

“It’s not important, Kai. What’s important is you getting sober.”

“I don’t want to,” he cried and leaned down, burying his face in my lap.

It was hard watching a grown man’s shoulders tremble with his cry, even more so when it was him. I did love him. That was why I was willing to forgive the things he’d done. Only it was a different type of love. One that never matched the love I held for Soren.

I brought my hand to his head and softly caressed his hair, trying to provide him with the comfort I wasn’t entitled to give. Not anymore.

“Mom always said that the best way to go through pain is headfirst,” I started saying, my fingers still moving along his golden mane. “We both know it to be true, and you’ve faced a lot worse, Kai.”

“But I always had you.”

“That’s not true,” I chuckled because it really wasn’t. “I wasn’t there in times you needed me. I was too much of an idiot back then to help. Did you forget?” Or maybe, somehow, he’d managed to replace me with Aiden in his memories.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“But it does.”

Kai’s shoulders stopped trembling, and his body tensed before he got up and brushed the tears off his face. He then looked at me, his eyes red and his jaw tensed.

“Kai?” I asked after he kept on standing without saying a word. I tried reaching for his hand again when he stepped back.

“I want to be the bigger person and tell you I’m happy for you, but I can’t.” He swallowed hard while grinding his jaw. “You’re making a mistake.”

“Maybe.”

“No.” He shook his head. “There’s no maybe. And I hate you for not realizing it yourself.”

“Then hate me,” I said to him with a straight face. “If that’s what’s going to help you heal, hate me. Blame me for everything.”

“You don’t mean it,” he hissed.

“But I do. If hating me would help you get better, then do it. Hate me until the end of your life. I’ll put up with it as long as this hate will keep you sober.”

Kai’s eyes widened with shock, and he looked stunned for a second before his expression changed and turned vengeful. Seeing him looking at me through such eyes was painful, but true to my words, I’d suck it up.

“Fine, then. I’ll make sure to do just that.”

And just like that, Kai left my room without another word, not sparing my emotions. This man had both loved and hated me throughout my life. And if there was anything the years had taught me, it was that in the end, when it came to Kai—love and hate both hurt just the same. I’d believed he was my summer, only to come to understand that I was his winter. And as long as we kept trying to fool ourselves into thinking we were right for one another, we’d be left cold and alone.