Page 68 of Kiss Me Like You Mean It

‘I don’t know what that means. I thought we already went over this part. You know I’m not about objectifying women, and I mean this very respectfully… but Lee is crazy hot.’

‘Oi!’ I growl.

His smirk is back. ‘And there’s that. You’re in so deep, my friend, and you don’t even know how you got there.’

I take a moment to absorb this. ‘I don’t understand how this happened. I’ve known her most of my life. Why do I feel like this all of a sudden?’

‘You’re telling me in all those years there’s never been any attraction? You’ve never even thought about it?’ He sounds sceptical.

I run a hand over my face. ‘I don’t know… maybe there have been times, glimpses,’ I admit. ‘But she’s so much younger than me, almost seven years. I never really…’

I trail off, remembering the first time it happened. I was back from travelling somewhere and I’d arranged to meet Jack for drinks but I went to drop in on Gran beforehand while he had some awful dinner with his parents. I hadn’t seen Lee for months. She must have been around eighteen and she opened the door in an oversized university sweatshirt, leggings and fluffy socks. Her gold hair was loose, falling down her back, and when she saw me her face lit up.

It was like being hit by a truck. She was so beautiful it knocked the air out of me for a second. But I was almost twenty-five, and she was Jack’s sister and I told myself it was a weird moment, a blip. I moved past it. If there were times where I found myself thinking about her over the years, I pushed it aside and put a little more distance between us.

‘I get that when you were kids, seven years felt like a lot, but I don’t think the age difference really means anything now,’ Luke points out. ‘You’re telling me there’s been nothing in the last decade?’

I take a deep pull on my beer. ‘Fine. Maybe when we ran into each other last year I was… attracted to her.’

Because I had been. Because that morning when I woke up with her in my arms had rewired something in my brain. Which is probably why I’d freaked out. And maybe I’d thought about her quite a bit since, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything. We’re friends, after all. I’m allowed to think about her.

‘She’s an attractive woman,’ Luke says.

‘Yes, thanks, you’ve already made your thoughts on that very clear,’ I say sourly. ‘But none of this explains why I suddenly can’t get her out of my mind, why I think about her all the time. Why I’m so desperate to undo the zips on her stupid fucking boots!’

‘Ah,’ Luke murmurs, but I’m on a roll now.

‘It’s not even just that I want to get her into bed. Although, I definitely want to get her into bed. It’s all this weird shit. Her laugh. Her dimples. The way she always smells like honey. I’m obsessed with her wrists! They’re so fucking pretty. I want to wrap my fingers around them and take her pulse.’ I rave, feeling totally unhinged. ‘What the fuck is that?! You know the stories about how the Victorians were so prudish that they had to cover the legs on tables in case they made men have dirty thoughts about women’s ankles? You’d hear that, and laugh and say, “wow, who were these perverts?” Well, I get it now. It’s me! I am the Victorian pervert!’

Luke is staring at me, his mouth slightly open. He closes it with a click. ‘I’ll admit that’s not ideal.’

‘No, Luke, it’s not ideal. The question is, what am I going to do about it?’

He thinks about this for a moment. ‘Have you considered sleeping with her?’

‘Are you listening? All I do is consider sleeping with her!’

‘I think you’re overcomplicating this. Why not see if she’s interested? For what it’s worth I’m pretty sure she is.’

‘Do you think?’

‘Look, I know I’m just a lowly small town police chief and not a big city detective or anything, but I’d say that anyone who agrees to pretend to be your wife for an unspecified amount of time in a batshit crazy town on the other side of the world from her home, who then sits in your lap and kisses you right on the mouth is sending out some fairly clear signals.’

‘Yeah. But then she’s also always calling us friends, and she’s the one who said we needed to have rules in the first place.’

‘Sure,’ Luke nods. ‘But, again, I’m going to make the potentially outlandish suggestion that you just… ask her.’

‘I get it,’ I sigh, because of course I do, ‘but I honestly don’t think it’s that simple. Maybe she has some feelings for me, too.’ I try to suppress the instinctive leap of pleasure I feel at the possibility. ‘But she’s hard to read, so I could be wrong. Maybe she’s being careful for a reason – there are a lot of other factors to consider before we open that whole can of worms.’

‘Such as?’

‘Such as we’re in this situation because she’s doing me an absurd, there’s-no-way-to-ever-pay-it-back level favour and she’s staying in my house in a town where she knows no one and has no real support and it feels like the dynamics are messy, like I’d be taking advantage of the situation if I made a move.’ I grimace as that thought really lands.

‘Such as, she’s my friend. Her brother is my best friend of almost thirty years. Whatever roots or family I have, they’re tangled with hers. And you know I love Phoebe more than anything, and if I had the choice, I’d choose being her dad every single time, but it doesn’t change the fact that my life as I knew it basically imploded a year ago and I’m still sorting out the pieces. I’m a mess, I have no idea what I’m doing – not just as a dad, but in pretty much every area of my life. I’m so far from ready for a serious relationship, and if that’s not what I’m offering her then what am I even thinking? Lee doesn’t do flings, and that’s all I’ve ever done. If I hurt her I’d lose everything, but I’d deserve it because I’d never expect anyone else to forgive me… I’d never forgive myself.’

My chest is squeezed tight by the time I finish, and I pick at the label on my beer with my thumb, staring out into the darkness.

‘Yeah…’ Luke exhales a long breath. ‘Okay, that is kind of complicated.’