Page 64 of Kiss Me Like You Mean It

There’s a long silence.

‘I actually did make some notes,’ I say, reaching for my notebook on the coffee table in front of us. ‘Laying out some general rules and guidelines.’

‘Of course you did.’ Nico’s voice holds a note of fondness.

I hide my face behind the pages, reading the list I made earlier while feeling increasingly hysterical over the whole thing. ‘So we probably should go on some dates in public. Once the trustee is here at least.’

Nico’s head dips into a nod of agreement. ‘Right, and we should agree on our history—’

‘I don’t think we need to complicate things there,’ I jump in. ‘We stay as close to the truth as possible. We met as kids, and we knew each other for a long time before anything… romantic happened.’ I break off, feeling light headed, but force myself to push through. ‘It was a whirlwind and we got married in Vegas, then we moved here when you found out about Phoebe, although I’m still travelling back and forth for work.’

‘Seems like you’ve thought this through.’ Nico sits back and gives me a long, measuring look. ‘I agree that all of that sounds reasonable.’

‘As long as you don’t know us,’ I force a laugh. ‘I’m not really the type to inspire whirlwind romances and spontaneous weddings, but luckily the trustee doesn’t know that. You’ll just have to pretend you’ve had feelings for me for longer than you let on.’

‘That should be fine,’ Nico says neutrally. ‘And I suppose you’ll have to do the same.’

I almost burst out laughing, but I manage to control my facial expression just in time. ‘I’ll do my best.’

I look back at my notebook. ‘I’m going to attend a couple of town events,’ I say, and then I hold up my hand when Nico looks like he’s going to protest. ‘I don’t mind doing a few things, and I know it really will help if it looks like I fit in here. It’ll make things much more convincing.’

Nico exhales. ‘Lee,’ he says softly. ‘I don’t know where you got this idea that you need to try so hard. You fit in here just as you are.’

‘Oh!’ I don’t know what to say to that, and I tuck my hair behind my ear in a quick, nervous gesture. ‘Well, I… still…’

Nico waves his hand. ‘Never mind. If you’re happy to hang out with a few more people and it’s your choice, then sure, I think that’s a good idea. Just know that it is your choice, okay?’

‘Okay,’ I murmur, my eyes glued to my notebook.

‘So what’s next on the list?’ he asks.

I feel my already pink cheeks flush harder. I told myself I would be cool about this.

‘The next thing on the list is physical intimacy,’ I say, sounding like a robot trying to learn the ways of humans.

I’m pretty sure Nico pales.

‘Physical intimacy?’ he repeats.

I nod. ‘Phoebe brought this up the very first night but we didn’t talk about it. Because if we’re going to be seen in public – or even here in the house, assuming there will be home visits – and we’re supposed to be a happy couple, we’re probably going to have to… touch each other.’

‘Right,’ Nico says distantly. ‘Touching. Yup. That makes sense.’

‘So we should talk about what that looks like,’ I press on, outwardly calm while everything inside me riots.

Nico hums in agreement again and shifts in his seat. ‘Well, I don’t have any problem with you… touching me.’

Gah.

I nod thoughtfully, like this is a business negotiation. ‘Great. I don’t have a problem either.’

I actually have a huge problem, but as it’s about how much I want him to touch me it’s not relevant to this conversation.

‘Although, I think we’re probably going to have to be really clear about what that looks like,’ Nico says carefully. ‘I’d never want to cross a line that would make you uncomfortable. How exactly would you like me to touch you?’

That high-pitched noise fills my head again. How would I like him to touch me? Everywhere and as much as possible does not seem like the appropriate answer.

‘Obviously we can hold hands,’ I say instead. ‘You can, um, put your arm around me.’ What else do couples do? I wonder desperately while my brain helpfully supplies a long list of X-rated answers. ‘I could sit on your lap, we could… hug?’