Page 31 of Kiss Me Like You Mean It

‘I like your lunatic family. I like this house,’ I say, looking around.

Nico sits back. ‘I was lucky that Magda agreed to rent it to me long term.’

‘How long have you been here?’ I ask.

‘About eleven months,’ he replies.

I try to keep the shock from my face, but it’s clear that I fail because he frowns.

‘I’m sorry, Daisy. I didn’t realise… I thought you’d know. I thought—’

‘You thought Jack would tell me. Or Gran.’

He shrugs and the gesture is so like Phoebe’s it’s a bit unnerving. ‘I guess I shouldn’t have assumed I was such a big topic of conversation in your house. Clearly, my ego is overinflated.’

‘No, I heard them talking about Phoebe,’ I say. ‘They probably both assumed I knew, but I misunderstood. I thought you’d moved in with a girlfriend.’

How can I tell him that I’ve spent a year avoiding any mention of him, carefully steering the conversation away any time his name came up? I now realise why Phoebe’s name sounded familiar when Bud said it; I just hadn’t made the connection because I’d assumed Phoebe was a grown woman. ‘Phoebe finally moved in with Nico!’ I remember hearing Gran tell Jack on the phone, jubilant, as I felt my heart sink.

I can’t explain to him that after the last time we saw each other, I felt like I had to cut him completely out of my life, like an addict going cold turkey.

I don’t know how to tell him that as hypocritical as it is, despite those choices, my choices, it still hurts that I didn’t know. I just sip my tea, careful not to meet his eye.

‘So you found out about Phoebe almost a year ago?’ I ask after a moment.

He nods. ‘Last November.’

‘I’d imagine that was… quite a surprise.’

He huffs out a laugh. ‘Yeah, you could say that.’

‘How did you find out?’

‘Magda called me.’ He looks down into his own mug now. ‘It wasn’t long after I was in London visiting Gran. She told me about Phoebe and I flew straight out. The second I saw her… I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like something cracked open inside me.’ He lifts his hand to his chest and rubs his fingers absently over his sternum. ‘Magda insisted on doing a DNA test, for my peace of mind, but I honestly didn’t need it. I knew she was mine. I looked at her and I knew.’

‘She has your eyes,’ I agree.

‘Do you think?’ he asks, clearly pleased.

I nod. ‘And what about… Phoebe’s mother?’

‘Stacie,’ Nico says softly, putting his mug down on the table. ‘She and I had a brief thing nine years ago. I met her when I was doing some work in South America. She was on a trip with some friends. It was casual… for both of us,’ he adds quickly. ‘A holiday fling. We spent a couple of days together and then that was it, I never saw or heard from her again. I didn’t even know her last name. Honestly, my memories of her are hazy at best, which is… pretty fucked up. I can’t blame her for not reaching out. She hardly knew me and what she did know wouldn’t exactly make her think I was good father material.’

He thinks he’s hiding it, but I can feel the pain behind his words as sharply as if it were my own. I stay quiet, waiting for the rest.

‘She passed away not long after Phoebe was born,’ he carries on, and he looks tired. ‘It was sudden, an undiagnosed heart condition. And her parents – Magda and Tom – took over raising Phoebe. Stacie had tracked down my information when she found out she was pregnant – my job made me easy enough to find online – but she hadn’t wanted to contact me. Magda and Tom decided it was best to respect her wishes.’

I swallow. ‘It sounds like there were no easy choices,’ I say carefully after a moment.

‘No. They’d just lost their daughter. I can’t imagine…’ His gaze moves to Phoebe’s door and his mouth presses into a firm line. ‘And they didn’t know me. I could have been anyone. Could have tried to take Phoebe away.’

‘So how did you end up here?’

Nico’s expression remains grim. ‘Tom died in a car accident. Magda was the only family Phoebe had left and in the end she thought she should reach out. It was a very difficult time for her, and you’re right – a hard decision to make alone.’ He sighs. ‘Magda’s been nothing but great to me. And for the last eleven months – with her help – I’ve been navigating how to be a good dad to a now eight-year-old girl.’

‘That’s… a lot,’ I say finally.

‘Phoebe is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.’ Nico smiles. ‘But, yeah. It’s been a fairly steep learning curve.’