Page 25 of Kiss Me Like You Mean It

‘What the f—’ I cut myself off, just in time. ‘What exactly have you two been up to?’

My daughter only smiles, showing off the gap where she lost a tooth last week. ‘We’re going to explain everything,’ she says. ‘Come inside and sit down.’

Following the arc of Magda’s torch, I allow myself to be pulled through the entrance hall, which is currently a mess of building materials, and into the sitting room, which is in no better state. Someone has dragged a crate into the middle of the room and spread it with a floral tablecloth. There’s a pitcher of lemonade and a plate of cookies arranged on top, along with a small glass vase of daisies. Lee’s eyes linger on the flowers for a moment before meeting mine. She looks away.

There are candles on the table, too, which Magda lights, giving the whole scene a bizarrely romantic atmosphere.

‘Why don’t we sit down?’ Magda gestures to the folding chairs that have been put out.

‘This is very civilised,’ I say, trying to hold onto my temper as I take a seat. ‘But the pair of you had better start talking, right now.’

Phoebe helps herself to a cookie. ‘It started when Lee emailed you.’

‘Phoebe… intercepted the email,’ Magda adds.

‘You hacked my email?’ I ask.

Again, Phoebe rolls her eyes. She’s eight years old and I’m already terrified by the prospect of her teenage years. ‘I didn’t need to hack anything. The passcode on your phone is 0000. I was actually watching a video about female serial killers on it. Did you know that approximately sixteen per cent of serial killers in the United States since 1820 have been women?’ She turns to Lee, who looks dazed.

‘I didn’t know that, no,’ Lee says, clutching the glass of lemonade that Magda has poured for her.

I briefly close my eyes and make a mental note that I need to do something about setting up better parental controls on my phone. Do I also need to have a talk with my daughter about female serial killers? Is that some sort of milestone I have missed? I wonder if there’s anything in my various parenting books about that…

‘Anyway, the notification popped up about the email and I read it,’ Phoebe continues completely without shame. ‘And then she said that she was married to you.’ She gestures towards Lee with her half-eaten cookie. ‘So I thought that could be a good thing because you said that you really needed a wife.’

I close my eyes, hissing out a long breath.

‘That was not…’ I start hopelessly. ‘That wasn’t…’ I turn to Magda. ‘How the hell did you end up getting wrapped up in this?’

‘Now, Nico.’ Magda’s face is lit with mischief. She’s enjoying this. It’s not difficult to see where her granddaughter gets her outrageous streak from. ‘When Phoebe came to me with Lee’s email of course I said we should tell you about it, but then the more I thought about it, the more it felt like destiny, you know? Here you are, in this predicament, and the universe offers up a bride! It’s so romantic!’

‘Fucking hell, Magda.’ I drop my face into my hands.

‘That’s another dollar for cursing.’ Phoebe pulls a pencil and a small notebook from her pocket, and runs her finger over the neatly accounted figures there, before making a note. ‘Looks like me and Taco are getting ice cream.’

Lee, I can’t help but notice, observes the book with interest and something approaching approval. I’m glad that my failures as a parent are giving the accountants something to bond over.

‘We thought if we could get Lee out here then she’d be willing to—’

‘Magda, that is deranged,’ my voice is sharp as I try to rein in my temper. ‘I know you’re worried about… things, but I don’t understand how you think this could be the answer. Having Lee fly out here like this, lying to her.’

I look at Lee, but I have no idea what she’s thinking. Her expression is almost totally blank.

‘Yes, I did feel a bit guilty about that part,’ Magda looks chagrined for a moment, ‘but in the end I thought the two of you needed to talk about all this face to face anyway. And Nico… did you know?’ Magda’s in raptures again. ‘She’s an accountant! An actual accountant!’

‘People aren’t usually so excited about that.’ Lee’s voice is dry. Her expression remains calm but her toe is tapping against the floor. There’s an uncomfortable pause and I try to unscramble my thoughts.

Lee gets there first. ‘Let me get things straight: are you saying that Nico never saw my email? It was you and Phoebe who replied? You sent me the plane ticket, and Nico had no idea?’

Magda nods.

‘You sent her a plane ticket?’ I have to try very hard to keep my voice level as I face my daughter.

‘We wanted to get her here as soon as possible.’

‘And how did you pay for that?’

‘I used your credit card of course,’ Phoebe answers, as if I am being especially dim-witted just to annoy her.