Page 112 of Kiss Me Like You Mean It

‘Damn it,’ I grumble. I really needed that one.

‘In fact,’ he’s looking at me with obvious enjoyment now, ‘I like to read all sorts of things. I even asked Tara for some good romance recommendations.’

‘You did not!’

He pulls his phone out his pocket and clicks through until he gets to the notes app which contains a list of a dozen of my favourite titles. ‘I already asked Mrs Penny to place the top three on hold for me at the library.’

I sink my head into my hands. ‘Fine, I give up. You’re perfect, too good to be true.’

He laughs, a light, happy sound. ‘No, I’m not, and everything else you said was totally right. I don’t know why hearing a list of my flaws felt so good, but here we are. I’m reassured. I’m a monster and you like me anyway.’

‘Yeah,’ I smile. ‘I suppose I do.’

‘I like you, too.’ He says it softly. ‘You know how much I care about you. That’s partly why this is so complicated.’ He gestures between us. ‘We’re so tangled up together, us, your family…’

‘I know,’ I agree.

‘Plus…’ He hesitates. ‘You know my situation, you know what my life looks like right now. I’m not sure I’m in a place to be a good partner to someone. I’m barely keeping my head above water as it is.’

Maybe because you need a partner, I think, but I don’t say it… it’s not like I can offer to be here with him, sharing the load.

‘And we live approximately 3,085 miles apart,’ I add instead, trying to ignore the dull ache in my chest.

‘You Googled it too,’ he sighs.

We both fall silent.

‘So,’ he says after a moment. ‘You know what that all means.’ He’s trying to make this as easy on me as possible.

I sit with it for a while, knowing that we need to be realistic. There’s no future for the two of us.

And yet.

‘I don’t want to be practical,’ I say finally.

He frowns. ‘What?’

‘Look, I understand what you’re saying… or working your way up to saying. I know that the practical choice is for us to draw a line under what happened today, to try and go back to the way things were.’

‘That is definitely the practical choice,’ he agrees slowly.

‘And I’m saying I don’t want that.’ I think about the argument Gran and I had, about the way I’ve been closing myself off so much – not just over the last year, but for much longer. How I’ve made my world as safe as possible by keeping tight control on every element of my life. I haven’t truly risked anything. Not for a long time… maybe not ever.

This thing with Nico is a huge gamble. It will almost certainly end with my heart smashed into a million pieces, and yet right now, in this moment, while I look at him across the table, I don’t care. I know I’d take all the promised pain if it meant another week of us together. I know I’d accept it in exchange for another hour.

‘I think we should take the next week. Like a gift,’ I say, my voice steady. I feel strangely calm about the decision. ‘We both know that it can’t last. We’re going in with our eyes wide open. We won’t leave things on bad terms. We won’t hurt each other.’

He hesitates. ‘I’m not sure that’s true. I think you could hurt me, Lee. I think you have enough of me already to do that. And I don’t ever want to be the one to make you unhappy. We wouldn’t mean to, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t hurt each other. Another week isn’t going to make that any less of a problem.’

I press my lips together. Nod. ‘You’re right. It would be naive to say we’ll come out of it unscathed. But… I think it’s worth it. I understand if you don’t feel that way, trust me.’ I force a smile. ‘I’m not usually one to gamble on my feelings like this.’

It’s his turn to be quiet, long enough for my heart to start beating hard, for disappointment to well in my throat.

‘You forget I’ve played poker with you,’ he says finally. ‘I think you know exactly when to gamble.’

‘Is that a yes?’ I’m holding my breath now.

He rubs a hand over his mouth and nods again. ‘Of course it is. You can add “not doing the noble thing” to my list of flaws. I know I shouldn’t, I know it’s selfish, but I’m keeping you. For as long as I can. All of you.’