Page 133 of Let’s Make a Scene

“God, remember Barry?” Liam says. “And Josh!”

“Nah, Freddie was the worst,” Arjun says. “What a wanker.”

“Yes, all right,” I say, nettled. “I get the point.”

“No, you don’t,” Hannah says, shaking her head. She fixes me with her tough-love stare, and I know that whatever is coming next, I’m going to absolutely hate it. “You’ve never been out with someone who had the potential to be serious. And I do include Theo in that, because neither of you were ever really in that relationship. I know Shawn told you he was getting a divorce, and I don’t doubt for a second that you believed him, but don’t you think, on some level, that you knew it wasn’t going anywhere? That the fact he wasn’t actually divorced yet meant there wasn’t any real possibility of a future?”

I stare at her, the words bouncing off me like rubber bullets: they might not be fatal, but they sting like a bitch.

“But with Jack,” she says softly, “it’s real, Cynthie. You’re in love with him. You have been for ages, and we all know it. You’re scared.”

“That’s not true,” I croak. “That can’t be true. Why would I be scared of that?”

“Babe,” Liam says, getting up to sit next to me on my other side, his arm round my waist. His cheek resting on the top of my head. “You’re like the most stubborn, independent person I know.”

“Now that’s demonstrably untrue,” I huff. “Several people have referred to my relationship with Hannah as almost problematically codependent.” I say this last part a bit too proudly.

“Yeah, because I’ve been wearing you down practically since the womb.” Hannah rolls her eyes. “And you still don’t let me all the way in, Cyn; you know you don’t.”

I wish I could disagree with this, because it makes me feel like shit. How can I possibly be withholding stuff from Hannah, who is as important to me as air? But I know she’s right. I know I didn’t tell her about Jack. I know I haven’t told her about the panic attacks. I know I haven’t told her all the details about Shawn—even if she’s read between the lines. I’ve kept those things to myself as much as possible. The only person I’ve opened up to is Jack… and that in itself probably means something.

“I might know a frankly insane amount about what’s happening in your life, but you hate talking about your feelings,” Hannah continues. “It’s like pulling teeth getting you to admit you’re upset about things. You never ask for help, even though we’d all lie down on train tracks for you.”

“I know how to ask for help.”

Patty scoffs, then clambers to her feet and stretches. “I swear, if you were trapped on a desert island and you had to write a message in the sand for passing planes to see, it would say ‘no worries if not!’ ” She comes to sit on the floor and leans against Liam.

“After the stuff with Shawn, you just shut yourself in your house alone,” Liam points out. “Hannah was performing wellness checks. We had a secret WhatsApp chat with Petra because she was the only one getting near you.”

“What did she say?” I ask, temporarily diverted.

“Let’s just say there was a lot of graphic imagery when it came to what she’d like to do to Shawn.” Liam shudders. “Google translate was having a field day. My search history is a dystopian nightmare. I can’t unread that stuff, you know.”

“The Serbs really know what they’re doing when it comes to cursing,” I agree.

There’s a beat.

“So we’re all just sitting on the floor are we?” Arjun asks, sounding resigned, but he comes down to sit next to Hannah anyway.

“The point is,” Hannah says, steely, “that you’re scared of making yourself vulnerable, and you always have been. You have huge abandonment issues. Understandably. You’re only comfortable when depending entirely on yourself. But you don’t need to get in your own way. It’s time to let someone else all the way in.”

“That’s what he said,” Arjun whispers gleefully, and Patty chokes on a giggle, trying to look somber.

“I’m sorry,” he adds, instantly contrite. “I just had to.”

I nod. “You really did.”

“There was no way we could let that one slide,” Liam agrees.

“It was irresistible.” Hannah sighs.

“So, what?” I ask. “I just need to find a way to trust that Jack’s feelings are real and that he’s not going to get me to open up to him and then leave me, and accept that our relationship—which started off as a PR exercise—is now true love, while at the same time overcoming thirty years of abandonment issues, and then everything will be fine?”

“Exactly.” Liam beams proudly.

“I think I might need some help,” I say the words stiffly, but I get a round of applause.

“We’ll work something out,” Hannah promises.