Page 56 of Under Your Spell

‘Wow,’ I say. ‘That’s… incredible.’

Theo looks surprised. ‘Really?’ he asks. ‘It feels like the absolute bare minimum amount of self-awareness to me. Something I’m working on, honestly.’

‘Let’s just say that the bare minimum is light years ahead of where Ripp Harris is on the self-awareness scale. And he’s been doing that job for over forty years. I’m not sure there’s even a person left inside him anymore. I can’t tell you how different my life would have been if he’d done what you’re doing.’

‘Jesus, that’s bleak.’ Theo leans back against the sofa, but his head stays turned towards me, his eyes on mine.

‘Yeah. You know, when I was eleven, there was this whole chunk of time… I didn’t see him for eight months.’

‘Why not?’

I lean back, mirroring Theo’s posture. ‘He’d taken me to see one of his gigs,’ I sigh, remembering. ‘Which was just about the highlight of my life up to that point. Then he got drunk, got high, forgot I was there and left me in the green room with a handful of people who were as out of it as he was while he went to some afterparty.’

‘What? Seriously?’ Theo looks shocked.

‘Mmm,’ I nod. ‘I must have fallen asleep on the sofa in the end. By the time I woke up it was dark and the place was empty. I was scared, I remember that. Eventually Carl found me and drove me home. My mum was absolutely incandescent.’

‘I’m not surprised.’ Theo sounds pretty furious himself.

‘She stopped Ripp’s visitation rights for a while and I was devastated, hated her for keeping me from him.’ I feel a pang of guilt. ‘The next time I saw him was after my twelfth birthday. I was ready for this great reunion and he acted like nothing had happened. Not a thing. I wasn’t even sure if he noticed I hadn’t been around. It killed me.’

I blow out a slow breath. ‘God, sorry, I’m on that post-therapy, feelings-at-the-surface wave right now.’

‘I know it well.’ His voice softens. ‘But that’s a lot. You seemed upset when I came in as well. Do you want to talk about it? It’s fine if not.’

I close the computer and lay it on the sofa beside me. ‘I was just talking about Granny Mac and being here. All the memories with my sisters and her and how strange it is being back. How I’ve avoided the place and thinking about her for so long. I feel pretty guilty about that last summer.’

‘From what you’ve told me about her, I don’t think she’d want you to feel guilty.’

The words bring a lump to my throat. ‘That’s pretty much what Ingrid said. She suggested I write down some of the things I remember about being here. That’s what I was doing when you came in. It’s nice actually; there are good stories. Most of the time when I was here it was… magic.’

‘I like hearing about you here.’ Theo looks around the room.

‘In a way it feels like the last time I was really me. I didn’t realize until I came back how much I’d closed myself off to things. How small I made myself.’ I glance at him, and he’s just watching carefully, giving me space to talk. ‘It’s like when I broke up with Len,’ I carry on, ‘and he had the movers come and take away all his stuff. It was pretty much everything in the flat, and I hadn’t even noticed. I was just living inside someone else’s life. I feel like I’ve been a, I don’t know, a shadow for so long.’

‘Huh,’ Theo frowns.

‘What?’ I ask.

‘It’s just,’ he hesitates, ‘I’m surprised. The first time I saw you, I thought you were… luminous. Literally, like a light walking into the room. I never would have described you as a shadow. More like a candle in the dark.’

It’s an incredibly lovely thing to say, and I have no idea how to respond to it.

‘Sorry,’ Theo clears his throat, looking like he didn’t mean to say so much. ‘That came out a bit weird. I just… I’m really sorry. It sounds like you’ve had a tough time.’

‘No, no.’ I feel embarrassed, like I’ve sold him some sob story when actually what’s been bothering me is more how flat my life has been. ‘I mean, things haven’t been great, but they haven’t been so bad either. And I’ve had Lil and Serena through it all.’

‘Man, you and your sisters…’ Theo grins, clasps his hands behind his head, ease returning. ‘That relationship is pretty incredible.’

‘Yeah, it is,’ I agree, happy to change the subject. ‘Most people don’t get it, but it’s like we’re not just sisters. We’re triplets. Not technically, but we never knew a life before there were three of us. And growing up the way we did, with the attention and the Ripp of it all – of course they have their own collections of Sad-Dad stories – they’re the only other people in the world who will ever fully get it.’

‘You’re lucky,’ Theo says, and there’s something like envy in his voice.

‘I am. With my job I’ve had to move around loads to different universities. I haven’t got a big circle of friends and the ones I have, they’re very spread out, but I never really needed a lot of friends – because I have Serena and Lil. For better or worse, they’re the voices in my head.’

‘Who’s the oldest?’ Theo asks.

‘Serena,’ I say. ‘She’s two months older than me, then Lil is almost two months younger than me.’