Page 115 of Under Your Spell

‘Don’t worry,’ – I give a watery laugh – ‘I’m already there.’

‘Thank fuck for that,’ Serena sighs. ‘I’d make a terrible heterosexual.’

‘But I’m so confused,’ I say. ‘Why did you say this isn’t his album when it obviously is?’

Serena and Lil exchange another look. ‘Stop doing that!’ I snap. ‘Stop managing me. Just tell me what’s going on.’

‘These are the songs that didn’t make it onto the album,’ Serena says finally. ‘He recorded a bunch and he decided to hold these back.’

I frown. ‘There are more songs?’

Serena nods. ‘It happens. Sometimes musicians write a lot and not everything makes it onto the record.’

‘Are the other songs… are they about me?’

‘No,’ Serena tilts her head. ‘Or, at least, there are a few generic ones about heartbreak. Most of them are actually written by someone else; Theo chose them from our catalogue.’

‘That doesn’t make any sense,’ I say. ‘Theo writes his own music. It’s so important to him.’

‘Hmmm.’ Serena just makes a non-committal noise.

‘There’s still something you’re not telling me,’ I insist, and I look at Lil, who holds up her hands in silent surrender. ‘Why would Theo use someone else’s songs when he has these? I mean, I know I don’t know much about music but… God… these, they’re incredible, right?’

‘Yes,’ Lil says quickly.

‘Yes,’ Serena agrees.

‘So, what…’ I trail off. ‘The album, the real album, is it better than this?’

Serena hesitates. ‘It’s fine,’ she says. ‘It totally does the job. His fans will be happy. The label is happy.’

‘But Theo wanted this to be special!’ I exclaim, frustrated. ‘He was so upset about his last album. He knew he had something better in him, something great. He’s been working on this for years. And you’re telling me he’s just not using it because… Oh!’ The truth finally breaks through. ‘He’s not using them because they’re about us. Because they’re full of us. Because he knows I want to keep things private.’

My sisters both shift uncomfortably.

‘I don’t think it’s for us to say what’s going on in Theo’s head,’ Lil manages eventually. ‘You should really talk to him about it.’

And even this makes sense to me now, the way everyone is being so careful not to put pressure on me. Even though it’s killing them, they’ll all let this beautiful thing disappear rather than put me in a position where I feel exposed.

‘Well, fuck,’ I breathe.

‘What will you do now?’ Lil asks, digging around for something to blow her nose on.

‘I guess I’ll go and get him,’ I say. ‘Can I borrow your car?’

Chapter Forty-Five

They offer to come with me but I need to do this alone.

‘He’s playing a small, secret gig in Shepherd’s Bush to celebrate the album announcement,’ Serena tells me as I strip out of my grimy pyjamas and try to make my hungover face look vaguely presentable.

‘I’m so proud of you.’ Lil squeezes me when we’re at the front door. ‘You deserve your happily ever after.’

‘I think we all do,’ I say.

‘You’re both being too mushy again,’ Serena grumbles. ‘Can we just get on with it so that I can head inside and eat a bacon sandwich? I’ve had to be disturbingly hungover for all this…’ – she waves her hand in the air – ‘emotion.’

‘Okay.’ I take a deep breath and jangle Lil’s car keys (there’s no way I am risking taking my car for such an important journey). ‘So there will be a ticket waiting for me at the door, right?’