Page 70 of Under a Dancing Star

“He is not a bad man, Bea,” she continues, taking my hand and setting her rows of gold bracelets jangling. “But he is weak. He allows himself to be swayed by others. He embraces what he admires. For him, I think I was a… What do you say? A novelty. We were happy together, for a time, very happy, and that must be enough.”

“That’s not enough,” I whisper. In that instant I see my uncle for what he is: a weak-willed man, easily led, afraid of confrontation. Not bad, not wicked, but foolish.

“Listen, Bea,” Filomena says, “before you go, please listen to me.”

I lift my eyes, meeting her steady gaze. She reaches out and presses my hand between her own. “I meant what I said to Ben. I will go with Hugh, but on my own terms. I am not afraid to be alone, because I know that I am strong. I know what I want; my art is what drives me, what gives my life purpose. It is art which I prioritize above everything else – not a man.” Her voice is low – hypnotic, almost – and I feel her words in my bones. “You are so strong, Bea,” she says. “You have so much in you, such joy, such a gift for life. Your drive and your intelligence should not be squandered in isolation. Go into the world and make your mark on it. You are brilliant. Do not let anyone make you feel less than that. Not your parents, not anyone.”

For a moment it is as if I had been struck. My ears ring and I feel dizzy.

As Filomena’s words settle, I realize that they are only confirming a decision I have already made. I can’t go back to my life as it was. I can’t moulder away, dragged down by the estate and its problems.

I want a life of my own. I want to go to university and to learn. I want to travel and see the world. And for the first time, I am not afraid to make that happen. I meet Filomena’s eye and nod, once. She squeezes my hand again, and there is a world of understanding in her gaze.

“Go,” she says.

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

I find Ben by the fountain. Our fountain.

He stands, looking down into the water.

“Are you all right?” I ask tentatively, placing my hand on his shoulder. He relaxes a little against my touch.

“I don’t know,” he admits and then he lets out a deep sigh. “Filomena is right. She can look after herself. I was angry. I am angry, but not at her.” He gazes down at his hands and then up at me. “I’m glad we get to see each other again, before I leave.”

I feel the ground tilt momentarily beneath me. “You’re leaving,” I repeat.

“I am,” he says. “I’m hardly going to stay and make nice with Hugh and that witch, Lady Bowling, am I?”

“But what about me?” I burst out.

“What about you?” Ben’s words are hard. “You’re leaving too, aren’t you?”

“Well, yes, I suppose.” I flounder.

“So what are we talking about then?” Ben runs an impatient hand through his hair. “Your uncle is taking you home, Bea. The summer is over. The great experiment is over.”

“But that’s not what I want.” The words are torn from me before I can think about them. “Is it what you want?”

Slowly, Ben shakes his head.

Happiness floods through me, leaving my body warm, tingling. I feel a grin spreading across my face. “You could come with me,” I say eagerly. “Come back to England with me.”

Ben laughs, but there’s no humour in it. “Oh, your family would love that, wouldn’t they? You turning up with me in tow. Your uncle already made it very clear how they would look upon any connection between us.”

“I don’t care what they think,” I say. “I’m surprised that you think I would.”

“Are you?” Ben asks, rubbing his brow in a gesture of frustration. “I know you, Bea. You’re the one who told me that you want to please them, to make them happy. I know it’s important to you, whatever you say.”

“It is,” I say, confused. “It was.” I struggle to find the words. “If I try and fit in their world I’ll end up making us all unhappy. Things have to change.” I take a deep breath. “I’m going to school,” I say. “It’s what I want. It always has been. I think I’ll study medicine. Find a way to help people, actually make a difference.”

Ben smiles, a real smile this time. “That’s wonderful,” he says. “You’ll be wonderful, I’m certain.”

“And you could come with me,” I say again.

“And do what?” Ben asks. He turns and walks restlessly away, before turning back again. “Look, I’ve been offered a commission in Spain. It’s an important one, one that could mean big things for me. You have your life to live, Bea, and I have mine. I don’t want to go back to England, but you should.” He gives a small smile. “It’s the rational thing to do.”

A sense of numbness is spreading through my body; it’s as though his words are coming from far away.