Page 77 of A Sky Painted Gold

“Listen, honey.” Laurie’s voice is gentle now; she’s still holding my hand, and it’s as though she’s explaining something unpleasant to a child who doesn’t want to hear about it. Perhaps that’s exactly what she is doing. “In the world that Robert and I live in, marriages are like business contracts,” Laurie continues. “You have your wealthy American heiresses, with their fathers who have a soft spot for a title –” she gestures to herself here “– and you have your penniless British nobility, desperately trying to keep the family name going.” She shrugs. “Everyone wins. It’s a common story.”

“Robert’s marrying you because of … money?” I am horrified. Of all the things I thought Laurie might say, I never expected this. It seems so cold, so calculated. I can’t imagine Robert making such a decision. Or can I? No. Perhaps the Robert I met at the beginning of the summer, but not the one I know now.

Laurie only laughs. “Well, I hope that’s not the only reason.” A smile clings to her rosy lips. “But, I guess, in the baldest terms, the answer is yes.” Laurie lets go of my hand and sits back in her seat. “Neither of us wants a stuffy marriage,” she continues. “He’s a good man and he will make a good husband, just the kind my daddy and all his business cronies heartily approve of, but he’s free to take his pleasure where he likes.” She raises her arms over her head and stretches, a slow smile spreading across her face. “As am I.”

I sit, digesting this, and staring at the empty teacup in front of me. I think part of me thought that if Robert and Laurie loved other people perhaps they wouldn’t get married. But here it is; Laurie is telling me that they can both see other people whenever they like. What happened with Robert and me meant nothing to him. I am just another girl that he has kissed at a party. The novelty of me will wear off soon enough, and then, like Lucky, I’ll be cast aside and forgotten. And the wedding will go ahead anyway, because that is just the way these things work. Marriage is a contract, and I’m naive for thinking it is anything more. For using words like love. I feel completely adrift as I sit at that table. How can I have been so oblivious?

Robert reappears then with a silver coffee pot in his hand. He pours a cup for Laurie and she stands, kissing him on the cheek as she accepts it. I keep my eyes down, looking at the ground. I can’t bear to meet Robert’s eye – I don’t know what I will find there.

The three of us sit in silence, a clock ticking sullenly in the background. I pour a cup of tea and warm my hands around the cup. It is another sunny day, but for some reason I can’t seem to stop shivering. The silence feels thick and oppressive, and I don’t know what to say to break it. I need to leave. I am going to leave.

It turns out that I don’t get a chance to. At that moment Charlie bursts into the room, dragging Caitlin behind him. Charlie’s handsome face is radiant; he is wearing a grin that stretches from ear to ear. The same cannot be said of Caitlin, whose face is pale and pinched. She is carefully avoiding my eye, and in other circumstances it might be funny how many of us in this small group are trying not to look at each other. Charlie, like an enthusiastic puppy, is oblivious to any tension.

“We have big news!” The words burst from him in a rush. “Caitlin and me … I’ve finally worn her down … we’re getting married!”

The teacup in my hand clatters back against its saucer as I almost drop it on to the table. I feel Robert and Laurie both looking at me. Caitlin’s eyes are still on the floor. Married. That word again that means so little here. Now Caitlin is going to marry Charlie? Of all people?

“Well, that’s wonderful, darlings.” Laurie breaks the silence, getting to her feet. She hugs her brother and then Caitlin. “Such a surprise, but really wonderful.”

Robert gets to his feet as well and shakes Charlie’s hand. “Congratulations,” he says quietly. His eyes meet mine and I feel a stab of pain as I see the concern there.

Plastering on a brilliant grin, I stand too. “Yes,” I say, and my voice feels too loud, as though it has suddenly outgrown me. I can’t bear to be complicit in this. I am acting a part in this scene and I know it’s all for show. “Congratulations, Charlie. That’s really … I’m so pleased for you. Now –” my voice is bright “– I’m sorry I can’t stay to celebrate, but this seems like a family occasion. I think I’d better be going.”

“I’ll take you home.” Robert is moving towards me, but I raise my hand.

“No, no,” I say, and I can feel a dangerous wobble in my voice that I try to control. “You stay here, celebrate.”

Laurie places a hand on Robert’s arm. “She’s right, Robert,” she says. “Lou can get home just fine. She knows the way.”

I flash her a grateful look, because I don’t think I can bear to be with Robert, with any of them any longer, and I feel tears starting in my eyes. “Of course I do,” I say. “So I’ll see you soon. And thanks again for the party.” I turn and leave the room with as much dignity as I can muster. I walk straight out of the house and stand on the gravel driveway taking deep, shuddering breaths of the fresh air.

Hearing a crunching sound behind me, I spin around to find that Caitlin has run out after me. She looks at me and her eyes are sad.

“I’m sorry,” she says softly.

“You’re sorry?” I repeat, and my voice sounds like it’s coming from far away.

She nods. “I am. So sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” I ask.

“Be-because I didn’t tell you, and because I know you like him, and now I…” she stammers.

“God, Caitlin!” I exclaim. “Don’t you understand? This isn’t anything to do with him. This is about you. Do you love Charlie?”

She stops, and her face is ashen. “I like him,” she says.

“Do you love him?” I ask again, and my voice is a needle.

“You know I don’t,” she whispers.

“Then what are you doing?” I cry. “Why are you doing this? I don’t understand any of this. I don’t understand what’s going on here. You’ll be miserable, and he’ll be miserable because you are.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispers again. “I know you’re right, but I was so sad, and Charlie says that if we get married he’ll take me away, back to America, and I just want to leave it all behind and I just … I just said yes.” She holds her hands in front of her as if she is surrendering. I feel myself deflate as I take in her pale face, her slight frame shaking as she begins to cry. I move forward and put my arms around her.

“I understand,” I say. “But, Caitlin, what do you really want? Is it really worth this? Lying to everyone, to Charlie, to Robert? Are you going to build a marriage on a lie? You shouldn’t be doing this, Caitlin. You love Lucky.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Caitlin stiffens.