Page 75 of A Sky Painted Gold

I stare up at the sky now as it shimmers in that moment between night and morning, and I feel small and light. My hair drifts out around my head like a halo. I concentrate only on the sound of my own breathing.

I don’t know how long I float like that. It is probably only a couple of minutes, but it feels like longer. Eventually, I turn back over and swim to shore to find that there is someone waiting for me on the sand. Robert is sitting on one of the rocks, watching me. He wears a white shirt, open at the collar, and black trousers, and there is an unreadable expression on his face. I’m not sure how many of my own feelings are on display, but there are certainly a lot of them. The shock of seeing him is welcome and unwanted at the same time, and my heart aches in my chest.

I clamber out of the water, shivering as the cool air hits me and suddenly very aware that I am wearing only my underwear. Robert stands with his face turned away and his jacket held out in his hand. I slip into it gratefully, pulling the dark material tight around me, balling my hands up inside the long sleeves.

“What are you doing here?” I ask finally. Seeing him now, after all that has happened tonight, stirs such a bewildering mix of feelings in me. I’m so conflicted, so confused. What do my feelings for Robert mean? What do I mean to him?

“I saw you come down,” he says. “I wanted to make sure you didn’t drown.”

I smile at this, at the offhand way he says it. I find it reassuring, the normality of it. I snuggle further into his jacket, and perch on the rock he has been occupying. He sits next to me.

“Lou,” he says after a moment. “There’s something I need to tell you.” He stops himself there, hesitating.

“Oh, really?” I say, nervously drawing circles in the sand with my toes. “There are lots of things I need to tell you.”

“Are there?” he asks.

I nod. “I’ve had quite an eventful evening,” I say. Filling the air between us with meaningless chatter seems like the only way I’m going to survive being so close to him. “I met a girl who thought I was called Cynthia.”

“Ridiculous,” Robert declares. “Who could ever mistake you for a Cynthia?”

“I heard a lot about a girl called Lois,” I say. “Apparently this is her birthday party.” I can’t bring myself to meet his eye. “It seems that she’s a local heiress who spends half the year in her family’s estate in the south of France. She owns a yacht and part of a racehorse … though which part of the horse is a little unclear.” Lois actually sounds like she would fit in perfectly, I think. She certainly doesn’t sound an awful lot like me.

“She sounds dreadful,” Robert says. “Just the sort of bore you would run into at a party like this.”

“Oh, yes?” I say with a prickle of relief.

“Mmm.” Robert nods. “I was beginning to despair of ever meeting anyone interesting again. Before we came here.”

“Before you … came here?” I swallow nervously.

“Yes.” He leans back on his elbows. “Before I met your aunt Irene. What a fascinating woman.”

I smile tremulously, because the warmth in his teasing voice pierces me with such pleasure and pain that I feel like it might tear me apart.

“Lou, what’s wrong?” he asks then, and his voice is tender, gentle, like I have never heard it before.

I shiver in his jacket and pull the back of my hand roughly across my eyes.

“It’s nothing,” I say. “I’m just … I’m so confused … and I saw something that surprised me.” My voice wavers here. “Caitlin and Charlie were…” I trail off miserably here, because after all, this is only a tiny fragment of the story, but what more can I share with him?

“Ah.” Robert exhales slowly.

“You don’t sound surprised,” I say quietly.

He is silent for a moment. “I am,” he says, “but Charlie has made his interest known in the past … and Caitlin has a habit of making … rash decisions.” He looks at me, his green eyes thoughtful. “I’m sorry if it has caused you pain, though.” Then he takes a deep breath. “There’s something I need to tell you,” he announces for the second time.

“Oh, yes.” I nod. “You did say and I interrupted you. I’m sorry, what is it?” I reach out and touch his arm apologetically.

And suddenly, just like that, something changes between us. It is as if something in the air around us shifts. We are sitting so close together, and I can feel the warmth coming from his body. I am suddenly very aware that the top of my leg is just grazing his. I can hear my heartbeat thundering in my ears. When I turn to face him his eyes are close enough for me to see the flecks of hazel in amongst the green. I watch my fingers reach up towards his face as though they belong to someone else. Surely this isn’t my hand gently pushing back Robert’s dark curls? He raises his own hand to mine, catching it there against his cheek. We sit like this for a moment, and that moment is sweet torture. I think I could kiss him now. I think he wants me to. But if I did, what would that make me? Kissing someone else’s fiancé, dismissing the promise he made because it suits me. I’d be as bad as the rest of them.

I pull back. “I should go back to the house,” I say, and my voice sounds hoarse.

The spell is broken. “Of course,” he says, back to the polite, distant voice he uses for other people. “I’ll see you back.” Until this moment I hadn’t realized that he has a different voice for me, but he does – a warm, teasing voice that is like a secret between us.

I go to collect my dress, which is thankfully none the worse for the adventure. I think ruefully of what Alice will have to say about leaving a bespoke couture creation in a pile on the sand, and decide that if we ever do make up I will never, ever tell her about it. Robert and I walk back to the house in silence. The sky is burning orange around the edges now, like touchpaper about to burst into flames, and the party has all but dispersed. Only a few of the more dedicated drinkers remain, slumped in corners or giggling together on the sofas. At the bottom of the stairs I turn to Robert. “Well, goodnight,” I say, staring down at my feet.

“Goodnight,” he replies. “And happy birthday.” The words ring coldly in my ears.