Page 44 of The Edge of Always

Emmett nodded. ‘Right, more maths.’

Somehow, Luna seemed to be getting worse at the triangles. Emmett was very patient though, and never laughed at her, even when she couldn’t manage to add three to four successfully. Luna reckoned that her brain just didn’t work in that way. (She also reckoned that she’d have been better off with one of the dusty old teachers. Maths was hard anyway, but maths with Emmett next to her was pure torture).

‘Five more, done.’ At this point, Luna would normally reward herself with a biscuit, a chocolate hobnob for something as soul-destroying as maths. But settling for one of Emmett’s sad secrets would have to do.

Emmett coughed and shuffled on the bed some more. Mae had moved onto Celine Dion, ‘My Heart Will Go On’ – she had her eyes shut and was conducting an imaginary orchestra.

‘Another thing that I find hard is with Cadence, right?’ Emmett shuffled again, immediately uncomfortable while every cell in Luna’s body felt like it was standing to attention. ‘Er, I’m not sure I want to hear about your love life,’ she said, even though she did, she absolutely did. Tell me, tell me it all, Emmett, she thought.

He laughed. ‘No, it’s not that. It’s just the fact that sometimes, she like wants me to be happy all the time. But I don’t think I’m built for that. And she wants to stay here, after school and stuff. I can’t wait to leave.’

Luna had mixed feelings about this revelation. Emmett wanted to leave. She knew this and that hurt, since Luna couldn’t imagine Emmett in any place other than this. But also, with a bit of luck, bouncy Cadence would be the architect of her own downfall. Emmett twisted his fingers together. Luna felt that the air of the room had become thick.

‘Well, I mean, I don’t really know about this sort of thing.’

‘Sounds like you have plenty of experience to me.’ Emmett frowned. Luna wondered if she’d ever recover from the Man Plan.

‘Yes, about that,’ she said, wondering why she sounded so breathless all of a sudden. His leg was practically touching Luna’s on the bed. His bare leg (he was in shorts) and her bare leg (also in shorts). Bigger than his but still, naked skin, it was basically pornographic at this point. Luna couldn’t think of a way to confess at this exact moment that Mae made the whole thing up with regards to The Man Plan. She would have to scrape her self-esteem off the floor. ‘Well in my experience, I think you should be able to be yourself, in a relationship. Like, you don’t have to be happy if you’re not feeling it.’

Emmett looked, for a fraction of a second, as if he was studying her face, looking at her so intently. He was closer than he was a few minutes ago, she was sure.

They heard Luna’s mum laughing with Eyebrow Clive and while Luna knew logically that she could hear them because Mum was in the back garden, to Luna it felt like they were in a different galaxy, a different universe perhaps. She was almost certain that the way Emmett was looking at her meant something. And Emmett looking at her like that made her feel like they were the only two people alive.

‘I don’t know how to do it. Act happy if I feel depressed.’

‘Are you depressed?’ Luna asked. ‘It’s okay if you are.’

‘Sometimes I think I am. I feel angry all the time. Do you think that’s okay?’

Luna shrugged. She really didn’t know. ‘I don’t know. Honestly. My mum and dad are angry with each other a lot.’

Emmett laughed a soft laugh. ‘My mum doesn’t know who my dad is.’

‘I wish we’d known Earl and Sebastian when they were together.’

Emmett was closer still, so close that Luna could see the few freckles on the bridge of his nose that he said go away when it wasn’t summer.

Was he, was he leaning forward? Like as if he might kiss Luna?

Luna tilted her head forward, heady with anticipation. They didn’t kiss, but he rested his forehead against hers. This was the closest they’d ever been. Luna had a slightly strange, vaguely dark thought that if she could, she would fuse their brains together like this. Then all of his thoughts would be hers too.

Teenage love is an unwieldy creature, but she could feel his breath, and she loved it, so who cared?

‘It’s just so much easier with you.’

So love me instead! Love me most of all! Luna thought. End it with Cadence, and let’s live happily ever after already. The thought made her pull back from Emmett. They were still close, though, so close that she could see the light flecks in his eyes.

It was obvious that Emmett just didn’t like Luna in that way. Otherwise, he’d be with her. She was sure it was because she was so big. Who wanted to kiss someone who could pass for a teenage wrestler if they were all oiled up.

She gazed with longing into his face.

‘Don’t mind me.’ Mae cut through Luna’s frantic, desperate thoughts, talking in an exaggerated whisper and rolling off her bed. Emmett whipped his head away from Luna’s so fast, she jolted forward from the lack of support. ‘You two look to be having a moment, so I’m just going to…’ She pointed at the door.

Whatever moment they were having was ruined. Chances were that what Luna thought (hoped?) might be a moment was actually just Emmett confirming that even though it would be easier to go out with her, he still didn’t want to do that.

‘Sorry,’ Emmett said, looking at the newly vacated space on Mae’s bed. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking. I forgot she was there.’

‘That doesn’t often happen with Mae.’ Luna wasn’t sure where to look or what to say. ‘Anyway, should we get on with some more maths?’ It was the best she could come up with, and possibly the only time in her life when she’d realised that more maths might be a solution as opposed to a problem.

Emmett agreed. They slowly and painstakingly worked their way through the rest of the little triangles. Both careful not to say anything untoward, both careful to stay focused on the problem at hand.

‘Hopefully, there’ll be no cause for maths when I’m a lawyer,’ she told him.

‘Nah, you’ll need it to work out all the money people owe you.’ He closed the textbooks and got up to put them on the dresser. Luna could sense his mood shifting, like the rolling of dark thunder clouds across the sea.

‘They have calculators for that.’

He laughed, a sad laugh, and Luna thought, for the hundredth time, how it would be so much easier not to feel like she did.

‘Are you coming to The Edge later? Earl said something about a fire,’ he said.

‘Definitely. Mum and Dad are having Eyebrow Clive over for dinner so we might be a bit late, but we’ll be there.’

‘Cool, see you later, Luna.’

It could be so much easier than it was.

‘Yeah, see you, Emmett.’