Page 126 of The Next Chapter

‘No,’ he tells me, handing me a cup of coffee. Milk and sugar. Fuck my enamel. Oh dear, I’ve gone insane. ‘But it does make sense.’

‘How so?’ I ask.

‘Lola’s always been… how can I describe it? Not cold exactly, but just detached, from life. She’s never really let anyone get close to her. I think she missed you, all these years.’

‘She was in an impossible situation.’

‘I know,’ he answers.

‘I don’t hold it against her. You shouldn’t either.’

‘I don’t, Lily, don’t worry. I wondered a lot about why my parents didn’t give me up for adoption when I was younger. They obviously never wanted me.’

‘I’m so sorry, Noah.’

I hope he knows that I mean for his parents, for lying, for everything.

‘I know you said that you didn’t see a future for us. And the old me wouldn’t have disagreed,’ he starts, looking down at his hands. There’s a faint flush high on his cheeks. ‘But something changed for me. I like you, Lily, I want to try to make this work.’

I’m still shaking, but I nudge a little closer to Noah. He takes the duvet and wraps it around his shoulders too. I’m pressed up against his side. I start talking, thinking that I’m close to maxing out my capacity for unscripted emotional talks. ‘I really like you too, Noah. And not just because you’re so nice to look at, like, really nice. Lola gave this whole speech about how you have to really go for the things you want in life sometimes and it dawned on me that I’m more like her than I realized. I was running away from everything, from her, from you.’

He smiles and a bit of his hair falls forward onto his forehead, a bead of rain on the end.

And no, nope, I cannot lose my head over a bead of rain.

‘But I just need to be honest, because I know I’ve given the impression that I’m this fun-loving, free spirit,’ I carry on, appreciating how his eyes have gone all soft around the edges, ‘but Noah, that isn’t me, it was all an act. I’m not a free spirit, I’m not even particularly fun unless it’s in a very controlled environment. I love to-do lists and adding things to to-do lists that I’ve already done just so that I get to cross them off. That’s how I get my kicks. I don’t want you going into this believing that we should make a go of it to be based on completely false advertising.’

‘Are you done?’ he asks at the end of my little soliloquy.

‘Yeah, I think so.’

‘Good. Because I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you haven’t been giving the impression that you’re all fun-loving and fancy-free. I mean, sometimes, you are those things – people can be more than one thing at once, I reckon – but a lot of the time you’ve been you. I’ve never seen someone eat so many vegetables on holiday. I’m guessing you have health anxiety too?’

I’m taken aback. ‘Yes, well, there is that. Several dead parents and abandonment issues. Comes with the territory.’

‘I don’t care about those things. I know about those things, and I still like you. Who doesn’t add things to a to-do list that they’ve already done?’

‘I don’t know, I always assumed well-balanced people?’

Noah pfts. ‘Lily, remember I have a favourite pen.’

‘You do have a favourite pen. And a favourite mug,’ I remind him. ‘That one with the hill on it.’

He laughs. ‘It’s actually Mt Kilimanjaro, but okay.’

‘Shush.’ I put a finger to his lips. ‘I’m having a revelation here. Do you think we’re… more alike than we realized?’

‘What, because we both like running, and notebooks, and we’re both writers? I think maybe you’re right! Plus, you did jump out of a plane.’

‘Yes, though for the record, that was a terrible idea. I won’t be doing that again.’

Noah’s smiling and I am a fool for that smile. I shove my wet towel at him. It smacks him in the chest.

‘But we’re different too. And that’s okay. No one is one thing all of the time. It’s like the scenery. People are always changing and impossible to describe. There’s just too much.’

‘I think you understand people better than you think, Noah.’

He smiles, wider this time. ‘I’ll have to go to Italy still,’ he says, stumbling over his words. ‘I want to travel. And I don’t know how the future might look, not really, but I know, it’s like you say, I want to try.’