Page 116 of The Next Chapter

‘Well, if you’re sure you’re fine…’

‘Never in human history has a person been finer than me!’ I say, in such an unhinged, manic way it undermines my sentiments entirely.

‘Okay, Lily,’ Mr Cains says cautiously, and if we still did it, there’d be a chance some men in white coats would arrive in the near future to drag me off to the asylum.

‘Ooh, and before I forget, I’m going to get on with some food prep later. I’ll drop some of your favourites off.’

‘You know I always appreciate the sentiment, Lily love, but don’t pressure yourself on my account.’

‘I’m not, honestly, it’s just really important that I keep busy. It… helps, you know.’

He nods. ‘I felt the same after Amber died. That’s when I really took it up a level, with my magic.’

Oh god, he thinks that this is all because of Dad.

I nod along. ‘You’ve just got to do whatever you can, to get through.’

‘You know I was there, the day your mum and dad brought you home?’

‘You were?’ I did not know this. Dad had told me how happy they were to bring me home, about how they’d bought everything you could possibly buy for a baby, and a ton of stuff that they never even got out of the box. But now, the imagined memory is tainted by the thought of Lola sitting in that hospital bed after she handed me over – how alone she must have felt.

Mr Cains nods. ‘They were so happy to have you, Lily. Never seen two people happier.’ He’s trying to make me feel better, but he’s just making me feel worse.

‘I was really lucky,’ I tell him. Unlike Lola, who wasn’t lucky when it came to her parents.

There’s an actual, physical pain then, somewhere around my middle.

I close the door on Mr Cains. ‘Thanks again for looking after Elton. Okay, bye, bye, see you soon.’

I slam the door shut and slump on the floor in the hallway, overcome with no small amount of upset on Lola’s behalf. How awful she must have felt when her dad left and then her mum wasn’t bothered about her. How rejected she must have felt when Jimmy ignored her after they slept together. How bad she must feel now that her own daughter has left her. No wonder she won’t go out with James the silver fox vet. She probably hates feeling like she’s relying on anyone.

And here’s the thing, I care about Lola and how she might be feeling.

I just… can’t think straight.

Saturday night, it felt like the absolute right decision to flee. To get away from her and Noah.

This morning I’m not so sure.

I need to get everything sorted, everything straight in my head. Once everything is ordered and I can think clearly again, I’ll come up with a plan. Not three but five steps back to normality. Or something like that.

I catch a glimpse of myself in the hall mirror.

Better make it ten.

I head upstairs to my wardrobe, not thinking too deeply about what I’m doing. I read Dad’s letter again, the one he left me that told me to go after Lola. And what he said at the end.

If you do go to her, you’re going to find out some other truths I’m not proud of, Lily. I’m sorry about that too. I hope you know that everything we did, it was because me and your mum loved you so much. You and your mum are the best thing that ever happened to me and I’m so proud of you.

Is that what he meant? Did he realize that I’d find out that Mum and Dad didn’t send my letters to Lola?

If someone had suggested, before I met her, that my birth mum had been complicit in a deceit against her daughter, I’d have believed them in a heartbeat.

But I have met Lola. I know her now. I’ve heard as she’s told me about the worst parts of herself. And so, in the cold light of day, it’s hard to imagine that the Lola I know would lie about not getting them. Sure, it might make her look better, but I don’t know… she really did seem surprised.

But then I’m here, aren’t I? Living in the house that Mum and Dad created for us to be a family. It feels dishonest and ungrateful to doubt them.

It’s all so messed up in my head.