Page 72 of Double Exposure

My elation is mixed with anxiety. This job is four to six weeks long with a lot of underwater photography. “I can loan you some one or two pieces of equipment, name them,” he says, “but you’ll need your own scuba gear.”

“I have it.”

“Perfect.” Then there’s a pause.

“What?”

I glance to my mom but her arms are crossed.

“Some of it is cave diving.” He sighs. “It’s very dangerous, Jade.”

“Hold that thought.” I flick on the blinker for a left hand turn. As the words fly from my mouth, I can't believe what I'm about to say. “I'm having second thoughts about a lot of things.”

“How so?”

“Six weeks is a long time to be away from somebody.”

My mom half turns in my direction. “You mean a long time to be away from Carter?”

“Yes.”

“Well, you gave it a try,” says my father.

“I don’t know if I can do what you and Mom do.” My hands feel slick on the steering wheel. “You and mom made it. I'm not sure that leaving the person you love for six weeks and having a career like that is doable.” I give both a quick glance. “For me.”

Mom’s voice is soft. “Have you spoke to Carter about this?”

“No. He’s been doped up and I don’t want to—it’s my decision.”

My father starts to speak in Korean, something he does when he can’t translate well what he’s trying to say.

“Salanghandago malhaneun salam-eul wihae salanghaneun geos-eul pogihandamyeon geugeos-eun salang-i anibnida,” he starts.

“Dad, I can’t follow.” My Korean is good, but not that good.

He sighs. “If you give up what you love for the person you say you love, then that's not love. That's some weird sacrifice.”

Mom adds, “That's martyrdom. That's stretching yourself out on a crucifix.”

Okay, “I get it. We don't need to go there.”

“No, we do. This is an amazing opportunity, Jade. When you’re young you think these chances happen all the time. When you get old you realize they don’t.”

We pull up to the hotel and the concierge has a wheelchair ready for my father. I wave off the valet and park the Subaru myself.

I need time to think.

΅

The morning is gray and overcast, with flurries projected. I’ve been up since six, driving Mom and Dad to the airport. He’s grumpy this morning about having to be in public in a wheelchair, but Mom wrestled him into submission.

Then I drove directly to the hospital expecting to meet everyone in the lobby, but when I arrive, Carter is still in his room waiting for release papers. Helen and Brock are tracking down a doctor to sign the forms. He dressed, with Jamal’s help. When Jamal sees me, he leaves though I get to wrangle Carter’s navy blue cable knit sweater over his head. Afterwards he sits down.

In the two weeks he’s been here, he’s lost some weight. I know he feels weak.

He never complains, but he’s sat down half a dozen time since I’ve arrived. I decide to take my parent’s advice and tell him what I’m thinking.

“I don't understand,” says Carter, shaking his head. “Why? Why would you turn down that job?”