Page 32 of Double Exposure

With that, the knot in my stomach just collapses like a tight muscle suddenly relaxing. The effort to choke back a sob leaves a hot lump in the back of my throat. The last thing I want is to cry in front of all these men.

Unable to speak, I simply nod.

΅

My father is awake, chatting with nurses and two leave when I enter the room. The one that’s left, Sarah, checks his IV. With little resources left, my eyes instantly fill with tears. Whether from relief or fear, I can’t tell but either way, I wipe them away quickly. A boy once called me a “sap” in high school. I vowed then to be anything but that. Later I heard him explain to his friends at lunch what he really meant: “Stupid Asian Pussy.”

Dad sits nearly upright while Sarah swaps out the IV bag. The young woman laughs at my father.

This is what my dad does: deflect.

I walk to him and try to hug him around all his wires and tubes.

The nurse, not much older than me, stays for a moment to make sure I haven’t dislodged anything and then makes her exit.

“Look at you,” says my dad as the door closes.

“Look at you.” I smile.

As I ease onto the edge of the bed, I start to shake my head. “That doctor—”

“Great guy—”

“Dad,” I try again, “he thinks it’s a miracle you’re still alive. Why did you take off without me?”

My dad smiles and squeezes my knee. “See? No need to worry.”

“Dad.”

“We don’t need to talk about this right now.”

“People risked their lives to find you. I got caught in a—”

His gaze narrows. “In what?”

I shake my head again. “Never mind.”

“In what, Jade?”

Diversion, diversion. I decide to go out on a limb. “Mom even called me.”

This shifts him from what I didn’t tell him, to my mother. Laying back in the pillows a smile flits across his lips. “She called you?”

“Yes.” I’m instantly furious with my mother. In this moment, I’m convinced he still loves her. The reality is, in two seconds I could be just as furious with him. I constantly vacillate between which one is still in love with the other.

Then the conclusion comes that the answer is, neither.

Why do they stay married?

There’s a tap at the door and Ross and Ryan enter. “All’s good?”

Dad waves them in.

Sarah pokes her head in the door for a moment. “Ten more minutes, and then visitation is over.” She offers a quick smile before she leaves again.

My father spends this time thanking both Ross and Ryan for their trouble and I watch as conversation between them starts to flow.

Standing, I interrupt. “Where’s Carter?”

Just then the door swings open.

The moment Carter enters the room he commands it. Seeing him with people around him, the ease with which he moves, his thighs and quads moving under black jeans, leaves me a little weak at the knees. He pushes a strand of hair back from his forehead. Before he shakes Dad’s hand again, Carter rolls up his sleeves and in full light now, I see how well developed his forearms are—there’s hard muscle, sinew, and the promise of something both tender and strong. All of it—all of him—is breathtaking.

I sit down again on the bed.

Sarah returns. “Sorry folks, time to go.”

I’m somewhat relieved we don’t have the answer yet to when I can fly my father back to California.

As the men begin to leave, I give my dad one last hug and try to stay upbeat, though I see the tired lines around his mouth deepen.

“I’ll be here first thing in the morning,” I say.

“Don’t rush,” he says and gives me a smile. His eyes close.

It’s hard to remember sometimes that he’s actually mortal. This whole episode is a wake-up call. Maybe it’ll bring Mom around.

I doubt it. She’s seven thousand miles away.