Page 89 of On Fire

He is completely, utterly, infatuated.

In the early evening, Travis arrives with Maya to hang out for a beach fire and s’mores. I have to hold Keller’s hand when Bryce, Mateus, and Cory all light the fire by throwing flaming sticks into the pit.

“It’ll be fine,” I say and kiss the top of his hand. A moment later I whisper, “You’re not on duty.”

“Like you’re not always on alert?”

He has a point.

“Fair enough.”

Releasing my hand, he then picks up his chair so it faces the ocean. He can’t even watch. I love this about him. This gives us a little privacy to talk.

“And you’re sure about moving up here semi-permanently?” he asks, his eyes on the horizon.

I shake my head. “Yes, though, I’m not sure about the ‘semi’ part. Are you holding out on me?”

He shrugs. “The apartment . . .”

“Hey,” I say.

Cory gives a chirp of joy when the fire lights and Laurel’s voice lifts in the wind.

“That’s enough Cory. There are enough twigs right now.”

I adjust my focus to Keller. “I told you. There will be times I’m working in Boston, and I’ll have to be there. And then there’ll be our getaways.”

“Best of both worlds?”

“Exactly.”

The evening goes dark slowly, with the wash of twilight winning. More Russos arrive, Luke jokes with Keller, Bryce goes for a swim, Chloe keeps bringing down food. The sky stays light until nearly ten at the height of summer. Between lobster cooked in the sand pit, corn on the cob roasted in their husks, thick slabs of raspberry tort, and a nightcap of really very fine port, I am ready for bed. Unlike my lover, I keep pretty regular hours. Keller can sustain himself on a cocktail of very little sleep and very bad hours.

Tonight, though, I want to make sure he will be left unable to sustain anything.

He’s slipped back into that pattern of not letting me make him come. He finishes by himself with his hand, and though it’s lovely to assist, I want more. I want to give to him the way he gives to me.

I’ve been the bottom every time there’s penetration. I’d like to see if he can be versatile and if he’d like it.

Tonight’s the night. I’ve had three beers and that fucking port. Goddamn it, I’m fucking him.

I toss a stick into the fire, then look at my watch.

Keller knows the move and rises. “Hey guys, we’re going to hit it—thanks.”

΅

I can’t look at him while we’re getting ready for bed until I’m ready. Then, after brushing my teeth, I turn to him.

Focus.

“What’s going on?” he says as I approach the bed. “You look different.”

He’s sitting on the edge of the mattress, naked except for his muscle shirt, which accents that massive chest of his. Hair roils over his pecs and down his stomach.

“Tonight’s going to be different,” I say, grabbing two glass tumblers. I hand him one and pour two fingers of bourbon into his glass. Then mine. We’re both going to need it. As much as I want to do this, I don’t want to pressure him.

He suddenly glances around nervously like I’m about to whip out a butt plug and cuffs.