Page 83 of Love Again

It takes a few seconds to realize we’ve each put an arm around the other. I shiver, and then she shrugs off a sleeve of her Finn-sized coat so it can cover both of us.

Now that Pandora’s box is open, I’m going to keep talking. “I became a smokejumper because people left me alone. It’s not really the same, like talking about movies with your friends or what you did over the weekend. My life was very different. And the few times I would tell people what I did, it shut down conversation. I didn’t date and nothing happened, and I told myself over and over that was okay. I saw how miserable Laurel was, and I didn’t want that kind of life with meaningless relationships.”

“Laurel probably doesn’t feel that way—”

“Well, I would have. I’m not her. It’s not how I am. I don’t know how she did what she did. She’s so secure in who she is sexually, and I’m not. I’m really insecure.”

I expect Claire is going to shift into Mom mode and try to say something encouraging or helpful or supportive, but she remains silent. I’m so grateful to her in this small moment because I know every fiber of her being is saying: Fix this. Fix Devon.

This is a small sacrifice on her part to say nothing.

“Then there was a firestorm and I got trapped. I parachuted in, but my chute got caught in a tree and the fire was closing in. Then this guy pulls up in a truck out of nowhere, grabs me, and he ends up driving backward, like, five miles the whole time I’m hacking up blood. He gives me first aid and drives me an hour and a half to a hospital. I wake up the next day, and he’s sitting there in the room, waiting for me. Just waiting.”

“That was Luke?”

“That was Luke. Claire, I’ve never had a boyfriend. I didn’t know what it was like and he’s amazing. He loved me and I loved him. We got married in a month. It almost felt like a dare. I mean, the guys at the station thought the whole thing was a riot, and after we got married, I wondered if I got married because it was a thrill. If I did the right thing.”

“Did he feel that way too? Did Luke have second thoughts?”

I shake my head. “No, of course not. He was confident that we were right, that this was right. Just as I was starting to really believe it, just as I understood profoundly that he was my soul mate, this friend of ours, who had grown up with him as a kid—”

“Max?”

“Yes, and he was my mentor, too. Max taught me a lot. He had been my sounding board for everything, even stuff to do with our family. I talked to him about Mom and Dad.”

My voice trails off, and I’m not sure I can continue. A burning lump is forming in the back of my throat, representing years’ worth of grief. I can hardly speak.

“This is the Max that I met when I went out on the first trip?”

All I can do is nod. “There was a fire. The building was fully compromised. Radios were down. I went in looking for Luke, and he went in looking for me. Max went in looking for the two of us. He never came out.”

We sit in silence for a long time. The deep clangs of the buoys ring across the water. Someone is on their boat with the cabin light on, casting yellow-white glitter onto the water.

“That’s why I left. Because I felt like my judgment was impaired. I couldn’t do what I do and worry about Luke. I didn’t want him getting hurt because of me, so I came back here.”

“Did you stay in touch?”

Despite everything, I have to smile a little. I put my hands up to my face, and she shifts her jacket over my shoulder again.

“He wrote me twice a month the entire time we were separated. I’ve never opened the letters.”

“Not one?”

I shake my head again. “I couldn’t do it. But that’s what got me into letter writing. I’ve always liked paper and pens. I realized I could write to Chloe and she could write back. She could write to Travis and Laurel, and maybe that would be the safest way to reunite. So that’s what I did.”

“So, Luke actually sort of saved our family because he wrote letters you never read?”

“Yeah. I guess I never thought of it that way.”

Claire’s tears are completely gone, and her voice no longer quivers. She sighs. “I’ve learned a lot from Finn. I thought I had everything figured out. That I was fine, and I was safe, and I was protected because I didn’t let anybody in. But that was wrong. He lost his pregnant wife and yet found a way to love me. You can’t be afraid to love, Devon. It’s why we’re here.”

Hot tears suddenly well in my eyes, and one moves down my face. A second tear starts.

“You can’t hide from it. It’s a miracle when you love someone and they love you back. That’s a gift from the universe you should never walk away from. He’s here now for you. Let this work.”

“I think it might be too late.”

“It’s never too late.”