Page 73 of Love Always

“I have to do this,” is how I start, and the person I look at is not one of my sisters, it’s Mateus. “I spent most of my life worrying about my high school legacy and what people thought about me and if they thought I was a good person. It’s followed me even into motherhood. And here’s the truth. I don’t really care anymore. We know why I’m doing it. Colleen died. She doesn’t get a chance to vote in this, so I’m voting on her behalf. I need to do it. If arresting me and then releasing me will generate the need for evidence and some shows up, then maybe we can catch this person. I get it. I’m not really bait. I mean, I’m going to be with the police. I’m not going to be out there by myself. If having someone swipe a water bottle off me is the worst thing that happens, that’s fine.”

Claire folds her arms and her foot starts shaking. Her legs are crossed at the knee but there’s a lot of action in her ankle.

“I know you’re going to worry about me, but it’s going to be fine. I’ll be at the police station so really nothing is going to go wrong. And Mateus will be with me.”

“I’ll be tailing them,” says Bryce. “All day, every day.”

“What do we do if reporters come here?” asks Chloe.

“No comment,” says Finn. “No comment all around.”

“We have to tell Travis. I mean he’s at Tufts so he could actually hear about this.”

Devon offers, “I’ll tell him.”

“Use our secure line,” says Finn.

There’s a lot more worried looks and glances, a hug from Claire, Devon, and from Chloe, which makes me a little uncomfortable but manageable. Then Bryce comes over and gives me a big bear hug, something he’s never done before. Finn throws an arm over my shoulders offering a quick side hug and says, “You’re brave and you’re a wonderful person to do this.”

I still don’t feel redeemed.

The plan is described, and then Mateus walks me out to go pick up Cory. Devon moves on ahead to put dinner on. Emily and Ralph are so full of stories to tell me when we arrive, it’s comical. How Cory made peanut butter cookies, how they walked to the lighthouse, how he cut his cookies into quarters with a table knife, and how good his manners are. I want to cry I’m so grateful to them and to my son. His little curly head looks up at me and he slips his hand into mine as if he’s always done that. This is one of the few times that he has, and it makes my heart lumpy.

After dinner, we read The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and he asks if caterpillars eat cookies. I kiss him on the forehead, and tuck him in tight, the blankets pulled snug. He sighs, the tension in his little body released with each tug of the blankets. His eyes are closed, blond eyelashes fanning his cheek.

I hope it’s fast tomorrow at the station. I just want the ruse to unfold and come back that evening. The next few days would be filled with a lot of public appearances. Many chances to knock into someone, have someone pull a hair, or cop my brush.

As I step out into the hall and shut the door, I catch just a brief whisper of a discussion between Devon and Mateus. To my acute embarrassment I hear her say,

“Are you sure you can do it? What if something happens and you have to act?”

When she left to go out West, she was eighteen. She went to college by herself and came home only on holidays out of respect for me and Travis and Geo. Chloe had already disappeared at that point, and she and Claire weren’t speaking much. Devon throwing herself off a bridge that graduation night was the last straw. Claire just couldn’t see the thick, dark shadow of the bungee cord.

Maybe because of our parents’ death or maybe it’s just how we’re wired, but we are all very independent and very protective and right now I need her to let me be both: for myself. I don’t need her talking to him like that. And I certainly don’t need her worrying about me. So, I do what I always do, I say nothing, but make a little bit of noise stepping back out into the room.

He’s sitting in a chair. She’s leaning forward from her perch on the sofa.

“Is he all tucked in?” she asks quickly, ending their conversation.

“He’s fine.”

Devon can tell from my face I’m pissed, so she throws me a bone. She points at the two of us. “I think given the circumstances you two should probably stay at the clinic.”

“That’s a nice offer, but I think I should probably just camp out there by myself tonight,” says Mateus before I have a chance to say anything.

My look at Devon is about as piercing as I can make it.

Her mouth is open in a protest she didn’t know she’d have to declare.

“You need to stay here with Cory tonight and get some sleep,” he says and for a moment, I’m afraid Devon’s closed the cover to some book I finally dared to open. I know Mateus is right. I know what he says makes sense, I should be here and I want to be here, but I also want to be with him.

Shit, Devon, what else did you say to him?

She’s like a dog with a bone. “Well I can leave and sleep over there and you can stay here,” and suddenly just like that all my anger, my sudden flare towards her sputters out, and I’m just left feeling guilty. Why can’t I be direct like Claire? Why can’t I just tell someone when I’m upset with them? Why can’t I just have a normal conversation?

Mateus just laughs. “I think the sisters need to stay together tonight and a little boy needs his mom. I’m happy to go. I’ve got paperwork to do. I can be here in two minutes if there’s trouble. And Finn’s got cameras trained on the building.” He stands up and puts his arms around me. “Tomorrow is a big day.”

“I’ll walk you to the door,” I say, a little embarrassed to have acted like a teenager again in front of Devon.