Page 43 of Letting Go

I'm not ready to talk about the what right now. I may never be ready. Keeping my eyes on my own words, I keep going. "'I didn't think I could manage. I just didn't think I could manage all your pain. I didn't think I could be that person who took care of all of you and I didn't want to look into your hopeless faces and not be able to answer for something so awful in our lives.'"

Devon opens her mouth. I wave a finger.

"I have to keep going. 'I also needed a plan. I was barely making it in school and I felt like I'd wasted the money Mom and Dad spent on college. I fell in with some people who told me they had a plan, that I was a good person, and that I belonged. As crazy as it sounds, I felt like I did belong. Everyone there had a story to tell, some awful thing they'd done and were at the commune for redemption. I felt more at home with them because I could be someone else. I could pretend to be someone else.'"

Here I stop.

Hot, wet tears fill my eyes. "And I'm so sorry. The only place I belong is here. With you guys. And Claire had to be the older sister and I worried Geo, and Devon had to find her own way and Laurel had Cory. And Travis…" I suck in a breath. "I missed out on half of Travis's life."

Within seconds, everyone is up, holding me, Geo's arm is around me, Travis closes on all three, while Laurel and Devon encircle their arms around me too from the other side. I am cocooned by people who love me. Claire puts her arms around my two other sisters and leans in.

But not only is she not touching me, she distrusts what she's heard. I see concern in her face. And something else.

Disappointment.

Chapter Twelve

Bryce

Just as Mateus and I climb into his car, Finn strolls back with Cory from graining Salty. He drops the boy's hand and whispers something in his ear. Cory smiles, claps his hands, and starts to run up the porch steps. The screen door slams behind him.

As Finn approaches, his smile does not look genuine and we convene by the car in a huddle. Both his voice and his smile drop.

"Just a heads up. Jackson's convinced Raymond Clifton is not just in Portland for his seminar series. He thinks he's trying to locate someone. Frankly, I'm pissed. If he's got some other agenda that puts my guys in danger, we're done. I want you two to interrogate him on the sly. Mateus, see if you can get a read on this guy. Bryce, watch for more than one perp. Jackson reported two men who Raymond agreed to meet leave this afternoon but they are not participants. And," he waves a hand, "Nic's going to meet you there."

"Why does he think Clifton's looking for someone?

"Jackson'll explain."

I turn to Mateus. "Tell Finn what you told me. About two guys following Chloe."

As Mateus relates his story again, Finn straightens and his face grows more serious.

"I can’t be on this detail after tonight," I say.

He scratches the stubble on his chin. "I agree. Travis is up for Memorial Day and Geo just showed up."

"They'll all be here together?"

Finn nods. "At Claire's. There's a family meeting going on, so Chloe won’t be going anywhere."

"Did you talk to Claire to push Chloe?"

Finn grips my shoulder and gives it a little shake. "Actually, no. This is a Russo thing. Claire called Travis and Geo this morning. I think there's an intervention going on tonight."

"Stay out of it," says Finn. "Focus on Raymond Clifton. She's safe here until you get back tonight."

The drive south should have been awkward. Instead, it's just uncomfortable. After fifteen minutes of shooting shit Mateus starts right in.

"Were you ever going to contact me again?" Mateus flies down Route 1.

"Speed trap coming up." I point to a school sign.

He removes his foot from the gas.

"Did you sign with Colton Security on purpose or is this just a motherfucker of a coincidence?"

"Jesus. Watch your language. I'm a fallen Catholic."