Page 40 of Letting Go

"Glad to see you again, Mateus, glad to see you and Bryce found each other already. Bryce, I know you probably have a lot of questions. We'll talk later. Mateus, Bryce will brief you on the trip to Portland."

It feels weird. I can’t look at Finn.

There's a lot of small talk and I have zero interest. Claire makes an appearance, banging out the side door from her practice, crossing the short distance between the two buildings, and we all meander to the back porch, overlooking the ocean. Mateus turns down a beer, score one for him. Finn wouldn't have liked it if he had said "yes" just before going to work. He stretches out a leg on an ottoman, the other stays planted on the ground. Handshakes all around, Finn slips an arm around Claire and even Chloe seems to have forgiven my intractable self and sits down next to me, our arms touching. I almost shiver, feeling the warmth of her arm along mine.

Everyone just acts like everything is normal, that we are just here to get to know each other like some big happy family.

What they don’t know is I put Mateus in that wheelchair. I knew him when he weighed a hundred and forty pounds.

I watched him die.

The drive South is going to be a shitstorm.

Chapter Eleven

Chloe

After Bryce and Mateus leave to brief for Portland, we all move to pizza and beer on Claire's little second-story back porch. The sun sets slowly, with seagulls wheeling in the air above, and fishermen calling each other, checking in, mooring boats for the night.

And then Delf, the sad bagpipe player would start.

Travis is here. After Claire's birthday party a month ago he had to leave and study for his second year in vet school. He's really busy and the fact he decided to come here this week makes my heart melt.

But I'm nervous. None of them have any idea of what I'm about to tell them, or what I'm about to confess. I'm beginning to learn how guilt makes it easy to just continue to do the wrong thing and to make wrong choices. Self-forgiveness is hard. The easiest and the hardest place to start is with family.

I watch Travis, so grown up, so his own man, laughing, hugging all of us before he stretches out on one of the small folding chairs. Privacy is hard at an inn—it's why after Mom and Dad died, we moved to the apartment above the veterinary clinic. Well. My sibs and Geo did. I never lived there. It feels like home to them.

I'm intruding.

"You look, great Sissy," he said, using his pet name for me, slapping his lap. I obliged, toeing off my sandals and sliding feet onto his lap. I watched his large hands as he began kneading my heels.

He is really good and I look at Devon for confirmation.

"Right?" she says laughing and waving a beer. "Mr. Magic hands."

"Not sure that's appropriate among sibs," he says, but he looks ridiculously pleased with himself.

When Travis was one or two, we'd dress him up in girls' clothes and drag him around in a rusty red wagon. Everybody thought he was adorable, this little black boy in a dress and a bow in his hair. At the time, I guess we were still pining for another sister.

Now, his male energy is electric. He's such a man. Brotherly yes, but still male. His massage feels great. The early evening sun beats down, heating my chest, and my eyes begin to close. I'm immediately exhausted. Thoughts of Bryce flit through my mind, his hands on me, his mouth on me, his body tight and hard bearing down, the explosive orgasm. A hot tear slides down my face and I wipe it away fast.

"This sun is so bright!" I say, straightening up, withdrawing my feet. This is in case anyone saw that moment of vulnerability.

At that second, I catch Claire looking at Devon. "When's Laurel coming?" Her tone is casual but there's more behind her voice.

"I'm here!" Laurel says, stepping through the sliding glass window. "The boys are feeding Salty."

I gaze down at Finn and Cory striding over to the corral below. In a moment they'll be out of sight.

That's when the air changes. It isn't a shift in the breeze, it's just suddenly everyone is on alert and I don't know why, but I can sense it. How do they know I want to talk to them.? Finally.

Matching this sudden shift, Travis seems out of his element. He juts a thumb at the sliding back door. "I can go—" Travis grins, but there's tension there. Is he asking permission to leave? Laurel pulls up a chair and sits right next to him, looping an arm through his.

"You're staying put, my man."

I suddenly realize this impromptu meeting has been orchestrated.

"You guys planned this didn’t you?"