Page 9 of The Best Ex of My Life

‘Toby, Jay and Eddie? Who are they?’

I can’t pretend they are students of mine as, unfortunately, Elliot is one of those teachers who has space in his brain for the name of every pupil he comes across. Whilst it can take me weeks at the start of a new school year to get the names of the pupils I teach right, Elliot will have got it by the end of his first lesson.

When he became my buddy last year, I learned not just how knowledgeable he was about literature but more importantly, how likeable and approachable he was to the students. I was completely in awe of him, of the way he cares about the pupils in his classes, not just about what grades they get, but how they are developing as people. Now I’ve found my feet, I don’t compare myself quite so harshly against him; I know I care, too, and I also know the majority of the population wouldn’t even come close to Elliot’s standards, so I don’t lose sleep over it.

I weigh up whether to lie or tell him what I’m doing, knowing how much he’s going to make of this, how interested he’ll be and that there’s no way he’ll breeze past it. I’ll be subject to rigorous teasing. Fun as that can be, I’m not sure I want his piss-taking over this particular plan. But with the notebook in front of us, and no lie springing to mind, I decide my easiest option is honesty.

‘If you must know, I’m delving into my dating history and compiling a chart detailing the good things I remember about the three best men I ever dated.’

His eyes flicker with amusement. ‘Course you are. Any particular reason why?’

I share the details of my plan, going back to the terrible date the Friday before and the conversation with Teddy and Karina about Karina’s exes that gave me the idea in the first place. Elliot is duly horrified about my date and asks a few questions about the criteria for ‘best’ ex-boyfriend, which I admit I’m still trying to work out. He asks about Toby, Jay and Eddie, and I give him the briefest of summaries about my time with each one, mainly because there isn’t that much to tell. If he picks up on how little I’ve got to say about the men I’ve selected as the best I’ve ever dated, he doesn’t show it. Instead, as I knew he would, he listens in that thoughtful, intense way of his. He does the familiar thing he always does whenever he’s thinking deeply about something, taking his left hand up to his jawline and running his fingers over it as though he’s got a beard, even though his skin is completely smooth. Once I stop talking, I wait for his verdict.

He doesn’t think the idea is crazy, in fact, he thinks it’s kind of genius, which immediately spreads warmth throughout my chest and up my neck.

‘So, you’re just going to ring whichever of these guys you choose out of the blue and tell them you want to set them up?’

‘Yeah,’ I say, forcing myself to move away from the genius comment and focus on his question. ‘That’s the bit I’m really not looking forward to. How would you feel if you got that phone call? Would you find an ex ringing you and wanting to set you up with someone else weird?’

I wait for Elliot to consider the question. He runs a hand through his hair, slightly scuffing up the neat quiff at the front, and pushes his lips together. ‘I guess I’d probably be flattered. If a girl I’d dated considered me to date her friend, it would mean I’d done something right. It might make for an awkward conversation, but if we both knew we weren’t right for each other and she thought I could be right for her friend, then, yeah, I’d be pretty chuffed about that.’

‘And would you do it? Would you go out with an ex’s friend?’

‘Yeah, I probably would. If I remembered the girl ringing me as being all right and I was single, I’d be tempted to date her friend.’

He’s nodding and smiling – really smiling – at the idea, until suddenly it’s like his brain catches his reaction as being too much and corrects it by making him give an awkward laugh. ‘OK. Good,’ I tell him, my own brain registering how weird it is to be talking about this with him. ‘That makes me feel better.’

‘I’m glad. So now you need to choose the perfect ex for Teddy?’

I nod. ‘Yep. I was just trying to decide when you rudely interrupted me.’

He holds his hands up, and smiles. ‘Sorry. I’ll let you get back to it.’

‘No,’ I say. ‘Stay. I’ve been struggling to decide all day. You’re a welcome distraction.’

‘OK.’ I expect he’ll change the subject back to school and the three top sets he has to do an inordinate amount of marking for, or back to his long-standing dilemma of whether he goes for a promotion or sticks to being in the classroom. At thirty, he’s already being prepared for a senior leadership role, which Len, our head of English, is fighting vehemently against as it would deprive him of his best teacher. Instead, he surprises me by saying, ‘If you like, you could always set Teddy up with me.’

‘What?’ I narrow my eyes as I search his face for signs that he’s joking, that he’s winding me up and isn’t taking my plan anywhere near as seriously as I thought, but his expression is honest and open.

‘You heard. You could always choose me.’

I let out a bark of a laugh to cover my shock that he thought to say that.

‘You hardly qualify,’ I tell him, opting to continue to laugh at the idea.

He gives me a look that has more than a hint of hurt in it. ‘Sorry, but you don’t,’ I say, trying to take back the harshness of my reaction. ‘You’re not single for a start.’

‘What? Yes, I am.’

‘Really? What happened to … what was her name?’

‘Minnie. I broke up with her a few weeks ago. Didn’t I tell you?’

‘Maybe, it’s kind of hard to keep track.’

In the last year, Elliot has gone through so many women, they’ve become a blur. I mean, it’s not hard to understand why he gets so many dates. There’s always going to be high demand for six-foot-two sporty types who look at you with their piercing eyes like nothing matters as much as what you’re saying.

Yet one thing I’ve noticed about his prolific love life is that he is most often the dumper. I don’t understand how it is he comes to be so unlucky with the women he dates, but he seems to find it an impossibility to get past the one-month mark with any of them.