Page 64 of The Best Ex of My Life

‘What? You’d have never kissed me back? Or you’d have stuck around and not run away as soon as you got back on dry land? You’d have admitted you wanted it every bit as much as I did? Tell me, Lizzie, because I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it ever since it happened. What would you have done in that moment if you’d have known?’

I put my hands to my head and run my fingers through my hair, pressing into my skull as I do. ‘I don’t know. But it wouldn’t have led to this.’

‘And what is this? What is going on between us? You’re blaming me for not telling the truth, but I’ve got nothing on you.’ We’ve been gradually raising our voices, and he almost shouts his last words at me.

‘Sorry,’ he says. He takes a breath before he speaks again, and I mirror him. ‘Look, Teddy and I talked, and we recognised that we weren’t each other’s priorities. When it came down to it, we both admitted we didn’t want to be. You know her life isn’t going the way she wants it to be. She wants to focus on finding out what makes her happy, and she’s not in a place to have a relationship. I get that. There wasn’t a whole load of drama to it. We broke up on good terms, and we promised each other we’d stay friends.’

If what he’s saying is right, I’m glad Teddy’s starting to move her life along, that she’s putting herself first. I’m glad she’s chosen to spend some time working out what she wants. I can’t believe she’s still not quit her job, but I guess breaking up with Elliot is her taking some kind of step towards the future she wants. Mum always tells me that the person you have to love the most is yourself, and you have to be in a good relationship with yourself before you can love anyone else. I believe that, and I’m proud of Teddy. But I’m also curious to know what Elliot’s reasons are for ending it with Teddy as something tells me there’s more to it than that.

‘A joint decision. You sure about that? It wasn’t that you got cold feet because this was turning out to be the longest relationship you’ve ever had?’

He laughs at that. ‘Oh my God, Lizzie. What is it with you and this idea I don’t do long term?’

‘Erm, you don’t do long term.’

‘Yeah, I do. I’ve had serious girlfriends before.’

I scoff at that. ‘Yeah, right. And when did you happen to have all these serious girlfriends?’

He pauses before answering, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. ‘Before I slept with you,’ he says quietly. ‘After that, I don’t know. It felt like I stopped meeting the right women. It became harder to carry on with anyone for more than a few dates. It wasn’t until you started this ex-plan thing that I finally realised what I was hoping for wasn’t going to happen, that we want different things.’

‘And what is it you want?’ I get out through a mouth that has become as dry as paper.

He pauses before giving himself a tiny nod. ‘Right now, what I want is to be honest. To stop pretending.’ He gets up from the bed. In a few paces he’s right in front of me. I suddenly feel more nervous than I ever have with him. His eyes are intently focused on mine, like he’s looking right through me again, trying to read my heart. Only, it’s so conflicted, I’ve no idea what he’ll find. His arms stay by his sides, but the stance is too deliberate as though he’s forcing them to stay there instead of reaching forward and touching me. ‘As soon as I knew that Teddy was growing colder with me, that she was creating distance and I worked out there might be a break-up on the cards, do you know how I felt?’

I don’t dare speak, so I shake my head instead.

‘Relieved. All the months we spent together, and I felt relieved that she didn’t want to be with me. We had fun together, and we did like each other, but while she might have been the longest relationship I’ve had in a really long time, we hadn’t grown close. I hadn’t let us. So when she said she wanted out, I was relieved that I didn’t need to hurt her.’ He pauses, and before he speaks next the rise and fall of his chest grows more pronounced through his T-shirt. ‘I thought if, after this weekend, she told you we’d split up and that she was fine, that she wanted out, and I hadn’t broken her heart or anything like that, then maybe there’d be a chance that you wouldn’t completely shut yourself off from the idea of us at some point in the future.’

‘Us?’ I croak.

He reaches out a hand and picks up a strand of my hair. It’s the lightest touch – almost a non-touch, but it’s enough to spread heat throughout my entire body. ‘Yeah. Us. You and me. Together. We work, Lizzie. It’s kind of terrifying how much we work, but we do. I’m tired of pretending we don’t, of pretending that I’m not always thinking about you. How to make you laugh, how to make you smile, what I can text you so I’ll get a reply, what funny story I can tell you about my day that will make your eyes light up. I promise you that kiss wasn’t planned. I wanted to give Teddy a chance to talk to you first before I got the balls to talk to you too, and to finally be honest with you in the hope you might feel the same, but I don’t regret it.’ He pauses momentarily, and his voice is less certain when he continues. ‘It made me more certain than I’ve ever been. It’s you, Lizzie. It’s you.’

His fingers move from my hair to my jaw, skimming the contours of my face. His eyes roam as he takes in every part of my reaction. His breathing deepens, and my stomach pulls tight in response. It would be so easy to reach for him, to let this properly begin. Knowing how his hair feels when I run my fingers through it, how his stomach contorts when I kiss it, how hot his mouth feels on my skin only makes it worse.

But I take his hand off my face and move away from him to the other side of the room so there’s as much space as I can get between us. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve dreamed of Elliot saying words to me just like this, and he’s managed to do a far better job of it than anything my imagination could conjure. But it doesn’t matter. He’s just broken up with Teddy, and this is all wrong. He might say she’s fine about it, but I don’t know that, and I can’t believe she’ll be fine with any of this.

‘This can’t happen,’ I tell him, and I’m proud of how firm I sound when inside nothing feels steady. ‘You just broke up with my best friend.’

‘I know I did. But Teddy’s fine, I promise. I’m sorry you didn’t know before it happened, but we did nothing wrong.’

I let out an incredulous laugh at how neat and tidy he’s making this mess sound. ‘Yes, we did! The second I set you up together, I closed the door on anything happening with you, and that still stands. You need to get that, and you need to go.’

He rapidly shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair, but the bite to my words stops him arguing back.

‘You’re really not willing to do this? To even try?’

When I answer, I have to work hard to keep my voice as solid as I can. ‘No. I’m not.’

His face falls. ‘Then I should go.’ My chest tightens painfully seeing how hurt he looks, but still I square my shoulders back. ‘You should.’ I’m standing in his way. He needs to pass me to get out. When he’s in front of me again, he stops. So close, I can reach out and put my hands on his chest. And I do. I should stop myself, but giving into a moment of weakness that undoes the intent of my words, I push my palms against him, not so hard to move him away but hard enough that I can feel his heat and his defined muscles underneath my palms. He stands perfectly still as I continue to touch him. I don’t know how long we stay like this, listening to each other breathe, each of us unwilling to move away.

‘Lizzie.’

He uses my name all the time but never like this, never so delicately, so revered. He backs away from me and puts a finger under my chin, tilting my head up.

‘Goodnight, Elliot,’ I get out. It’s a whisper, but it’s enough. He steps away. The air that’s swished in to fill the space between our bodies is ice-cold, and I want to rush back to him, but now he is leaving.

‘Good night,’ he says before passing me and letting himself out.