Page 61 of The Best Ex of My Life

‘Was it?’ The question sounds sincere, but I can’t believe he hasn’t a clue how dangerous this feels.

‘Yes.’

‘OK. If you say so. I’ll turn us around.’

We stay silent as he begins to turn us around. Soon we’ll be off this damn, tiny boat, and I can get some space from him. Only, he makes a mess of turning the boat and ends up having to use one of the oars to push us away from the bank before we crash into it. But he pushes off with such force, I lose my balance on the narrow seat and fall forward into him. Instinctively, he reaches out, putting his hands on my arms to steady me. At first, I’m too concerned about not falling into the water to consider the heat of his palms, or how still he is, how unnecessary it is for him to keep holding me when the boat is no longer rocking. I look up at him, and instead of laughing at my clumsiness or making a joke, his face is as serious as I’ve ever seen it. This time he’s not untroubled. This time I can’t convince myself there’s nothing there. His eyes lock with mine, his chest rises under his shirt, and I can hear his breath above the sounds of the riverbank.

‘Elliot, I—’ but he doesn’t wait to hear me finish. He gently places his index finger beneath my raised chin and leans forward so our mouths are only inches apart. After a few excruciating beats when I’m not sure if Elliot might be about to kiss me, he moves forward to press his forehead against mine. He closes his eyes, and I do the same. Long seconds pass before either of us moves again, and part of me hopes that he’ll pull back, that he’ll remind me we can’t do this, but a bigger part hopes he won’t because I can’t fight it anymore.

This is it. The moment I’ve wanted for months, the moment I’ve tried to stop thinking of, to stop fantasising about but haven’t managed to get out of my brain, despite how hard I’ve tried. I’ve done everything to not want this because this moment can’t happen. But now it’s here, and I should be doing everything I can to make it stop, only there’s no fight in me. Instead, my mind is oddly still.

Every part of my body is telling me I want Elliot, and I’m exhausted trying to ignore that. When he finally closes the gap between us and places his lips on mine, relief washes over me. He kisses me carefully at first, his lips a question for me to answer with mine, but when I press back, when I open my mouth against his, he moves his hands to my back and pushes me against him. We kiss desperately, like we’re running out of time and nothing else matters. I surrender myself to the feel of him. For so long I’ve been in my head, trying to talk myself out of how much I want this, but now I’m all senses. He’s holding me so tightly, and I melt into him, never wanting to pull apart, not sure if I’d be able to until the boat hits the riverbank and takes the decision from me.

We jolt apart, and as soon as we do, a valve re-opens in my mind.

I sit back down and hold my head in my hands as huge waves of guilt crash over me. I’ve just kissed my best friend’s boyfriend. Fuck. I’ve just done the worst thing I could have possibly done to Teddy. Lovely, supportive, amazing Teddy, who would never in a million years do anything to hurt me. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have done that to her? I’m horrified at myself.

‘Lizzie,’ he says, gently, but I don’t dare look up at him.

‘I want to go back,’ I say.

‘Lizzie,’ he tries again, but as he does, another boat draws up to ours.

‘You boat number four?’ a male voice asks. ‘If you are, your hour’s up and you’re due back. There’s a queue building at the boatyard.’

‘Yeah, going back now,’ Elliot says, his voice shaky. He uses the oar to push off again and starts to row us back.

‘Please look at me,’ he says once he’s got into a steady rhythm with the oars. ‘We should talk about what happened.’

‘That’s the last thing we should be doing. I don’t ever want to talk about it again.’ I can’t deal with how Elliot feels about this. There’s no space for him right now. My mind is full of Teddy. She only went ahead with his stupid ex swap plan because she cared about me, she wanted to give me a chance of meeting someone great and this is how I’ve repaid her.

‘But, Lizzie—’

‘Stop!’ I shout. I want him to pay attention, to see in my eyes how serious I am about this, how I can’t bear what we’ve done. ‘I just want to get off this boat.’

When he swallows and pales a little, I know he’s seen through me again, to how fucking horrendous I’m feeling. ‘OK,’ he says and turns his attention to rowing us back as quickly as he can.

When we finally pull up to get out of the boat, the teenage boy reaches for the rope Elliot throws to him. The second I’m close enough, I stand and lunge out of the boat.

‘Woah. Slow down there,’ the teenage boy says, but I don’t. I’m walking away before Elliot’s off the boat, and I don’t stop.

Chapter 24

I walk so fast, my calves scream at me to slow down. My lungs don’t know how to deal with the uncustomary exercise, and my breath comes out ragged and too fast. But if I stop, there’s a chance Elliot will catch up with me, and I can’t have that. There’s no conversation that makes any of this better, no way of convincing ourselves we’re not terrible people. Tears stream down my face at what I’ve done and when I finally spot In Fair Verona, I launch myself towards it, desperate to be alone in my room.

I throw myself on the bed, but it’s the wrong place to be. I’m too restless, too consumed with guilt to stay still, so I end up pacing the tiny floor space. There’s a knock on the door about ten minutes after I get back, and Elliot calls out my name, but I ignore him and eventually he goes away.

I know what I should do. I should get out my phone and call Teddy. I should be honest with her and beg for her forgiveness because it’s the only way I’ll have a chance of holding on to our relationship. Not that I’d expect her to give it to me. Teddy has been treated like shit by men so many times, and the first time she finds a decent one – the first time I set her up with one – I follow it up by doing this to her. It’s the last thing she deserves.

Teddy’s never been anything but loyal to me since we were teenagers. She always puts Karina and me first, and this is how I repay her. I don’t deserve forgiveness, but even so, I need her to know how much I regret that kiss, how I feel sick thinking of what I’ve done. I need to let her anger and hurt come at me full force. It’s what I deserve, but it’s not what I do. What I’ve done has blown up our friendship. I’ll never be able to take it back and telling her might just be the hardest thing I’ll ever do, and I’m not strong enough to do it yet.

Of course, the decision of when Teddy finds out what I’ve done isn’t entirely mine. Elliot could call Teddy and confess to her himself, but something tells me he won’t, not until he’s spoken to me first which isn’t going to be anytime soon if I can help it.

It’s only when I’ve convinced myself to tell her when I get back from the weekend, to see her in person when I’m a little more prepared that I stop pacing, sit down on the edge of the bed and finally, for the first time since we kissed, let myself think about Elliot.

Kissing him has ruined our friendship too. If I wasn’t so painful, I’d laugh at myself for it. All the effort I’ve put into not liking Elliot, all the times I’ve talked myself out of being honest with how I feel about him – even before Teddy – because I haven’t wanted to risk our friendship, haven’t wanted to follow in my mum and dad’s footsteps and risk losing someone I care so much about, and I’ve ended up here. Failing in the worst, most spectacularly awful way.

‘Lizzie?’ A voice calls out on the other side of the door an hour or so after I’ve arrived back. I’m still sitting on the edge of the bed, my mind whirling, but I get up and open the door, thankful it’s not Elliot.